i am currently listening to paranoid android. because i am deep.
i am wearing jeans.
and a blue tank top that i’ve had for a very long time. it’s nice an torn up and worn out. but i refuse to get rid of it. and a purple bra. and green underwear. i dont like saying “panties.” though sometimes we like to call my father’s underwear panties because it bothers him and we pick on our family members excessively.
i have on 11 bracelets because i really know how to dress myself. if i had made more than 11 of these bracelets in the last 24 hours i would probably be wearing them too. really, i like cheap jewelry a lot more than expensive jewelry. because it’s just more interesting.
i am wearing one earing in the cartilage part of my left ear. and that’s because i never take it out. however i did have paperclips in my ears last night, as nice jewelry. because i am a cool kid. yeah, well.
today i sat in the sun for about 30 minutes and wrote and wrote and wrote into my notebook. until i finished it. there were only six pages left though. so i guess i really wasn’t writing and writing and writing. but it still felt nice. because i didn’t take breaks, i just rambled through a nice blue [gelly roll] pen. while i was sitting in the sun a rabbit squeezed through the fence [we have a hip privacy fence] and got within 3 yards of me. and that was just neat. also, i was bit by an ant and a wasp landed on my knee under my notebook.
i will share an excerpt because i am friendly and so interesting it hurts:
it’s kind of exciting that this is the second to last page in the notebook. it only took me six months to get this far. i would have liked to have done it sooner, but setting “deadlines to have a notebook finished by” doesn’t really do anything but disappoint me. and i always feel nice after finishing something, especially notebooks. no matter what the time range. though i do disappoint myself sometimes when i can’t write “entries” that are five pages long. sometimes i would like to write for the whole day…not really have anything to do but write and doodle and drink water.
i think creative writing…like prose and poetry is not for me. i’m a silly stream of consciousness girl [i've never learned how to spell that, however]. i dont know what it’ll help me with, but i do know these notebooks i’ve filled up are truly ME. no matter how embarrassing they may be. sometimes if i want to know the exact day something happened in my life i look in a notebook and i find the answer. i want to look back at these and smile at how naive and melodramatic i was and AM. that’s what these notebooks are for. they are ALL FOR ME. and that feels good, to tell you the truth. it feels really good.
[thanks for listening]
oh how personal and mind boggling the words inside my notebooks are.
this morning i fell asleep at 4 am, because the summer no sleep [til brooklyn] thing is kicking in. my mother woke me up 30 minutes before she left to go to a flea market in which she rents space and sells things. she made 140 dollars, by the way. but she’s spent about 500. yes. i was going to go to the place with her because i’ve been begging her to take me. however, she says she will tell me the night before. but she doesn’t. she tells me before she leaves. and then does not want to wait for me to shower and dress. so it’s a stupid thing to complain about. but she never keeps her word. almost never.
that’s the ticket.
you know i really like jon lovitz, he is a funny fellow.
i also really like my arms. i have nice arms.
’still kisses with saliva’
6:01pm.
it’s funny how i take so long to do things. in my art classes, i am the student who comes in before and after school and is still the last to turn in the project.
this morning my alarm clock went off at 6:01 am. and i pressed snooze. and it went off nine minutes later. so i reset the alarm until 6:41am. but i never really got back to sleep, and a fly decided that buzzing really loud in my room is a good idea.
so i got out of bed. dressed, and left for baby sitting.
oh it was joyous. it actually went by pretty quickly. the kids didn’t insist on playing too many games. and i also went swimming for the first time this summer. there is a pool in my backyard, however the cover is still on it and summer vacation has been going on for almost a month. we’re kind of behind schedule but no one seems to care. when i tell my father we need to get to it he says, “tehehe.” because that is his usual reply.
today my mother said something to me and i just shrugged at her. and she gave me a dirty look. and i said, “i’m acting like daddy.” and we laughed about that because we both agreed.
we are nice.
after baby sitting i went to wal mart, where i was going to buy some elastic thread, beads, big envelopes, and another notebook. but instead i got two cd’s. blue oyster cult-on flame with rock and roll, and bob dylan-highway 61 revisited. they were the two cheapest i found, and really, i’m not going to complain. they are both quite nice.
it’s now 11:02 pm. i spent time watching jay leno do his little ‘headlines’ part of his show. and on the way back to this room i stepped on my hairbrush. because i am really great at leaving stuff on my floor to stub my toe on, or step on barefoot, or trip over. i typed, “strip over” at first. that was great.
today as i was pulling into my driveway i almost went into the ditch. and my driveway has these nice ditches on both sides of it. that would have been pretty bad. plus embarrassing because there was a car behind me. that would be car accident number two, in my driveway.
and kids, tonight i can sleep soundly knowing i’m not the only one who thinks arsenio hall looks exactly like a black tim curry.
things i did that were constructive today: nothing.
i listened to a lot of pixies music, and i even tolerated it skipping terribly, because my computer likes to add that extra twist of sound to my mp3’s.
i made a new layout for my site. because i have such a social life. i was just sitting here and thought, “hey, i should make something.” so that is what i made.
my clock says 11:23 pm. i will be waking up around 6:30 am. and i will be at my neighbor’s house at 7:30am. how pleasant. baby sitting for eight hours.
i dont really mind baby sitting. but sometimes it just wears me out, because the kids have these huge imaginations. and really i can imagine/daydream some nice things up, but it’s been a long time since i have imagined the same things they are imagining. these kids are 7 and 8 years old. so we play these games and i get really bored. but i keep at it thinking, “this isn’t so bad, waste time waste time waste time waste time.”
i prefer watching them in the evenings because they go to sleep and i can watch nick at nite and fall asleep on their couch. but really i don’t like falling asleep at people’s houses. but sometimes i have a hard time staying awake.
like right now, i should be sleeping. and my eyes hurt, because i’m tired. but i am not sleeping.
my hair is wet. because i showered not too long ago. you’re not fully clean unless you’re zest fully clean. we do not use zest soap all the time. i think we use irish springs or something. and that is for everyone’s special knowledge. i know it will prove to be especially helpful to know this information.
i was not really in a good mood today. and i dont know why. sometimes it’s odd, you know. today i was just extra touchy about things. my father often doesn’t really listen to what i’m saying to him, and today it just bothered me more than usual. so i left the room and started pouting about it. and crying, because really i cry a lot about nothing. like sometimes i will just be laying in bed and i’ll start feeling panicky about something, like thinking about where i’ll be in four years or something dumb like that. and i’ll get this massive headache and i’ll be crying. i cry a lot about not having a nice group of friends. i wouldn’t mind not doing much this summer, if i had the security of knowing that i really do have friends i can call any time. but i don’t.
going out last night was very rare, and it probably won’t happen for awhile. kids my age have better things to do with their time. and i should too.
i think about friendships and relationships i would like to have someday. and i can think up all these nice little scenarios, but i don’t know if anything like that really happens in life. or if it’s all made in hollywood.
really, it would even be nice having a friend to watch terrible television reruns all day. that’s really all i do lately. especially this weekend, all in the family, on tvland in memory of carol o’connor. i never really knew how controversial that show was.
yeah well.
hello self pity. hello incoherence. don’t you love it?
i got a phone call around 6:00pm from amanda, a kid i’ve known since sixth grade, but lately we’ve really drifted apart. and we’re really different now but i think i bring out the nerd in her. because when we hang out we just act dumb, but it’s great fun. as long as we’re not tagging along with these other kids who i really don’t ‘click’ with.
she asked me if i wanted to do something tonight, and i hesitated, and told her i really didn’t want to hang around with those kids. so we didn’t.
we went out for pizza with her mother, because they were planning on doing that anyway. and just asked me to attend. they gossiped and i just kind of sat there.
and then after that was over amanda and i just went ‘cruising the strip’ [trendy lingo] for most of the night. we spent a lot of time annoying her brother, but he didn’t really seem to mind. we listened to music that most kids don’t listen to on full blast. including a kangaroo song from the big daddy sound track. at first i thought it was barney and why she had this. i almost had orange slush come out my nose when i heard it. it was that funny really, but i laugh at a lot of things.
later that night we got into a car with this kid she knows. i found it amusing that i just got in the car while she was away doing something else and i said, “i’m just getting in your car and i don’t even know you.” well i dont think that’s what i said but it was close. so he said something and then told me his name, even though i already knew it. and then i told him mine because we are polite.
two other kids got in the car and we were all smushed together in the backseat. amanda’s brother and another kid. for a moment there was alcohol in the car. but soon it was out when it was thrown out the window. oh how wild us kids today are. and i did not consume any because i am just not hip to that groove.
but really i had a nice night. maybe just because it was different than usual. my head hurts though.
on the way home we were listening to ‘american pie’ by don mclean. and i heard her singing all the words to it, and it was just a nice moment.
the rest of the day was pure non-excitement, to tell you the truth.
i received no phone call regarding my employment today but i have to be patient about that. i suppose, i mean it’s only been two days.
i decorated notebook covers. because i am so artsy it hurts. and anything can be called art somehow.
on monday i will be babysitting my neighbor’s kids for eight hours. i will not earn that much money because i don’t charge them much. and i really don’t care. it’s just a little cash for my pocket.
a little cash would be nice. i have about four dollars somewhere. i think they are in the pants i wore yesterday. but i don’t know where i put them. i lost my pants. oh how funny.
tonight while we were ‘cruising’ the trendy ’strip’ we saw some kids on skateboards, so we stopped right where they were. and took a picture of them. and then drove off. that was great. we were going to take some cheesy pictures. like we did a few times. and once ended up being chased by a lady who was probably intoxicated or somehow altered by a chemical. because she was barking and going crazy at us.
all because we took a picture of a john deere tractor in front of her house.
i have a fondness of music that involves him lately.
however i am not obsessed. why does wal mart [the only place in my town where i can purchase music] not sell any pixies albums?
i remember the days where i used to be obsessed. oh giggle giggle.
seriously, i would want to know as much as possible about whoever. you know. and i would always be like, “rob!” because don’t you know, i had a thing for rob thomas. and he’s still attractive. but. it’s the music that brought me to like his looks, since i am the most trendy kid on the planet and really like matchbox20. so much that i never really made the transition to writing their name correctly. matchbox twenty. does it really matter, folks.
so back to the point i was going to attempt to make.
i find myself really getting into a lot more music and just being completely about the music. a lot of the time i don’t really care about the artist. i listen to it and i get a feel for it. yeah. sometimes it’s nice to know about the person who wrote it, and know why they wrote it and what it’s really about. it actually helps you ‘feel’ the music more. but kids, obsession is boring.
and i am fully aware that what i have typed so far makes no sense. i am so great at expressing my feelings.
today there was no call from the wonder kentucky fried chicken concerning my employment there. i needed something to occupy some of my time today instead of the computer, plus i had to try not to tie up the phone lines ‘just in case’.
so i went to wal mart and purchased two notebookes. i thought they were 97 cents. but they are actually 88 cents which makes me smile very much because they are the best notebooks on planet earth. i also bought construction paper and glue. and a bag of sour patch kids. and all this cost $4.81. i said, “aaw yeah” in my head when i paid the cashier because if i didn’t buy the cheapest of each thing i would have probably paid up to ten dollars. and i’m just happy that my favorite notebooks are so cheap.
i really really like notebooks.
i got this incredibly nice journal for christmas from my uncle. and i’m almost afraid of using it, honestly. if i put anything in it i want it to be brilliant, so it will probably remain empty. i feel comfortable writing in notebooks because it feels so informal and such. i know it’s silly but it doesn’t feel silly.
oh friday night. oh friday night spent at home cutting out words from old teenage girl magazines from 1997, 98, and 99. i am incredibly social and fun.
oh look.
my clock says 11:41 pm.
holy jesus i’ve been rambling into this device too long. what, who wants to read these rambling words? is it you? is it you?
whose got a furry little mustache? who’s a furry little mustache man?
my father called my mother and told her to tell me [nice and direct] to ‘get my butt over there NOW’. perhaps he knew that i would procrastinate turning in that nice slip of paper that will cast DOOM over my entire summer.
so i went to his place of employment, a rent to own store. where a kid who is a girlfriend of another kid that works for my father, the manager, [oh this is getting to be too much] was there. she is the assistant manager at kentucky fried chicken, the possible future place of my employment. so i handed the application to her and said thank you. she said some other things about getting in touch with me by this weekend, ‘if not tonight.’
yeah so. why must i get a job. why must i grow up. my must i turn eighteen years of age this december?
today [and others] i was one of those obnoxious kids that drives with music very loud. i had my window down [because my great air condition does not work]. i am having too much fun with these brackets today. anyway. weezer came on the radio and at first i thought it was a green day song because i couldn’t hear it very well. so i turned it up. a lot. and started singing. i play with the radio and volume dial too much. my car does not have a tape player. which is kind of saddening because i have made about 298374298374928734 mixtapes because mixtapes are the best thing ever. and really, i don’t know why i just wrote this paragraph. but does there need to be an answer to “why did you write this paragraph, tina?” that would be like answering, “what is the meaning of life?” because this text is that spiritual.
current music provided by: joseph arthur
i have a picture of him on my wall.
that is also on my wall. in the same spot as it is in the picture, since you can really tell where it’s located. however, that picture was taken in january 2000. seriously. the exact same poster is in an episode of kids in the hall. where bruce is a kid that says his mom’s ham is ‘fucking good’ or something like that. and he runs away.
i am chewing big red gum. the commercials for this particular type of gum do not really amuse me. however there was one with a guy that was very attractive. i wanted to ‘jump his bones’ just like i want to jump conan’s. he had a nice nose. i like noses like that mike dirnt kid from green day. what what. so i like big noses [not big round noses] and shaggy hair.
hello.
sometimes i try to label myself and it just doesn’t work. i feel like a shopless cart. i like too many things to fit into a category. and honestly, i think it’s the same way for most people. but we all want to fit in somewhere so we just squeeze into some mold and try not to let ourselves leak out.
i’ve been typing and staring at the screen for a total of 24 minutes. my math skills make you hard.
actually, i guess i got six hours of sleep. but that’s not ideal. during the school year i would get 4-6 hours a night, except during the phase where i could not stay awake past 8:00pm. on the weekends i would get about 9 hours of sleep and have a headache the whole time i was awake from too much sleep.
that was good times.
so this summer, if i get the great job working with greasy chicken, i will be working full time. full time, kids. i will switch to part time when school starts. oh how lovely. put on your jealousy caps, this is something to be jealous over.
goal for the day: to not run into anything with my car.
oh there is a woodpecker on my house. these silly birds do this all the time. i am glad this is not at 6 in the morning, like usual. the sound travels throughout the house. the first time it happened, my sister was still living here, and this was her bedroom.
and the woodpecker likes to peck at the house right outside her window. she thought it was me making the noises, so she got out of bed and stood in the hallway and gave me a dirty look. and then the woodpecker started pecking again. and she had a confused look on her face for a few moments.
and then she went back to her room. the woodpecker stopped for a minute. and then started back up again. and i heard this big boom noise. it was her throwing a shoe at the window to scare it.
i chased a dog outside at 5 am once, because it would not stop barking outside my window. it was my last day of summer vacation and i wanted to sleep in. but the dog would not allow me to.
those are great stories.
we have vanilla ice cream. i should eat some for breakfast. i had mint chocolate chip ice cream for breakfast on sunday. and so did my sister. what is the big deal about eating certain things in the morning. i mean. i can understand not drinking alcohol with your morning meal. pancakes and beer don’t sound very good.
but. i usually eat things for breakfast that aren’t meant for breakfast. does it really matter, kids? spaghetti breakfasts, and taco breakfasts, and fried rice and such. they are meant for any time of the day.
these letters i am typing to form words, to form sentences are so meaningful it hurts. if i were you i’d be choking on my own saliva laughing at my never-ending wit and meaningful translation and outlook of life.
so my father is calling me ‘crash’, since he loves the way i dented my car in our very own driveway. we had a nice giggle over it, which is pretty nice when i think about it. how many fathers laugh with/at their daughters when they run into their mother’s cars in the driveway. how many daughters do that?
today i drove around and sang trendy blink182, green day, lucious jackson, and everclear songs that came on the radio. i had a nice time going 65 miles per hour while messing with the radio dial and swirving over the center yellow line.
this afternoon i pulled in my driveway just as ‘brass monkey’ by the beastie boys started playing so i sat in the car and jammed to it for awhile. i am such a jammer. i used to have the license to ill tape. well my sisters did and then handed it down to me when they moved out. i left it at someone’s house i think, so now she has it. i left it at her house about five years ago. i keep most of my cassette tapes [minus the ones i listen to, like the jackson five greatest hits and michael jackson bad] in a backpack. the one i used in first grade, even. it’s pink and green and has a heart on it.
you know a song by lil bow wow samples “abc”. i hope all you kids know that. i am so trendy and hip to the music scene.
you know. conan obrien is one sexy mofo. i want to jump his bones. oh that is a phrase i have never used. i will use it daily now. when i see him on tv i will say, “i want to jump his bones.”
i want to jump his patella. his knee bone. i want to jump his femur. his thigh bone. i want to jump his humorous. i want to jump his radius. i want to jump his ulna. i want to jump his tibia. i learned all the bones in the body in fourth grade. i remember had to get up in front of the class and point out which one was the cocxyx [or however that crazy bone word is spelled]. that is the tail bone.
i am so knowledgable it hurts.
i am in a nice mood today. and lately that feels a bit rare. i like my steak well done. i do eat meat. today i ate pork. and rice. and ramen noodles. oriental flavor. and three pepsis.
i think i like coca cola better. i used to like pepsi best. i have a coca cola sweatshirt. i got it in 6th grade and it still fits. i am such a big girl.
oh man this feels good. i haven’t typed like a maniac in quite sometime. maybe i just needed a location change. or maybe life doesn’t feel as boring as usual today. i’m a maniac maniac on the floor.
last night i watched SCTV, which reruns after conan obrien on weeknights on nbc on my local station. (columbia, missouri). i do not live in columbia, sorry stalkers. it just gets picked up by the antenna on my television. i really love my thirteen inch television. it is purple and you can see through it. and i keep a red pez santa claus pez dispenser on top of it. and currently i have a pile of letters from colleges i might consider on top of it.
holy jesus one year from today i will be getting ready to move out of the house.
this is not a new diary. i have had this for quite some time. maybe even over a year. however i enjoy deleting entries and abandoning it quite a bit. hot diggity dog.
this is my notebook away from my notebook. even though i’m never really away from my notebook. this gives me a chance to type instead of write. i type faster than i write.
you know what upsets me. the fact that i put a dent in my vehicle today. in my driveway. i hit my own mother’s car. in the driveway. i am so slick it hurts. any other person would be incredibly jealous of my rad driveway driving skills. fact: i was trying to get out of the driveway when my mother’s car was parked behind mine. myth: i am a terrible driver. fact: i’m not the best driver. myth: the dent bothers me and i must get it fixed right away or i will die of embarrassment. fact: i don’t care what the stupid car looks like.
i picked up an application for kentucky fried chicken today. it’s quite a treasure. i have it halfway filled out. no. i dont really want to work at a fast food place and get grease all over myself. yes. i need something to do with my time and money is a nice object. “money doesn’t make you happy.” oh yes it does. sort of.
i am wearing a matchbox twenty shirt over an 8th grade track shirt. my socks are plain white. [my only pair of plain white socks.] trendy to the max.
