today was my second day of work. it was much more pleasant than my first. the shift manager, or whatever he actually is, winked at me. because i am so hot. i give kids sunburn when they are within a mile of me. seriously.
something that was neat, was that amanda was out in the parking lot waiting for me after i was done. i saw her yesterday and it was just kind of, “hello. hi. yeah, bye.” we talked for an hour and then went our separate ways. because i have nice relationships with kids.
and to tell you the truth. i guess i don’t feel like typing.
so it’s been a week since i last decided to take the time to type my rambles in this little device.
family visited. and then family left. it was nice. i got to see my newest nephew. i got to feed him and hold him and watch him make faces. because isn’t that what a lot of people do with babies.
i went swimming a lot and got too much sun. the most summer-like things i wear are when i go swimming. i wear shorts into the fenced in back yard. i have not bought shorts or a swim suit since eighth grade. they still fit. they are trendy. i have jean shorts with rainbow stripes on the side. i also have a pair of men’s shorts my brother in law left here about five years ago. sometimes i wear those. they go to my knees. i do not like shorts. today i’m wearing the jeans i’ve worn for the past three days. because i am all about wearing dirty clothes and making sure i meet up to the fashion nazi standards.
right now i am listening to jimmy eat world. i like them. they are user friendly.
sunday was the geek rock tour concert. it did not go as planned, but perhaps it turned out better. how can you go wrong when only one band shows up and plays an acoustic 40 minute set. and then the venue decides to shut down. and right then the other three bands appear. and then a small show by one of the bands is put on in the alley behind the venue. you can’t go wrong. i got four cd’s that night. and met members of the bands. holy moly i met rock stars. oh giggle giggle.
bands included:
the b-sides: they are pleasant. their music is like a mix of ben folds five and weezer. and let me tell you, that is a pleasant combination. they are nice kids who played a weezer cover during their set. i bought one of their albums after the show and got it autographed by them all. i should scan it and insert the picture here.
[insert picture here]
kick me kate: i only met one of the members of this band, the keyboard player called loney and i told him, “i know four of your songs.” i was in the same alley as all of the band members and we might have said a few words but not any small talk. i was given a free kick me kate album.
popbandALICE: before going to the show i only knew one of their songs and i wasn’t really that fond of it. however one of the kids from the band added a popband alice album to my pile of stuff kind of from behind me and said, “do you have one of these yet?” i said “i don’t think so.” so that is how i got a free popband alice album.
snmnmnm: the main reason i went to the show. because i knew their music the most. they are humorous and use a lot of horns and an accordian. they are the ones who played a little show. it was a nice sight and a lot of the other band’s members joined in and it was just one big jammin party. sort of. i met two of the members. and got a cd. i just realized that maurine paid for my cd and i didn’t pay her back. me = not good at paying people back.
you should listen to all those bands sometime just because. i will have pictures tomorrow night. i will scan them and insert them somewhere for everyone’s viewing pleasure. all two people who read this. me being one of the two.
yesterday = my first day of work at kfc. man that was hellish. i was given the job of working the buffet. what i had to do: keep it clean, keep it full of food. easy, yes. hard when you don’t really know how you’re supposed to go about doing some of that stuff. the place got really busy and people were waiting in line giving me dirty looks because i was just standing there, i couldn’t take their orders because i haven’t been trained to do that yet and have no idea how to do anything on the computer besides clock in and clock out. old people were yelling and complaining at me because there was not enough food on the buffet, and i just wanted to scream “THIS IS MY FIRST DAY AND EVERYONE ELSE IS BUSY AND I NEED THEIR HELP TO DO THE THINGS YOU ARE REQUESTING YOU OLD OLD BASTARD ASS” but i didn’t. i just kind of ran around in circles frustrated about how the other kids kept running around knowing what they were doing and i was just standing there.
i was shown how to do a few things but you know, the training was not so great. i do not want to go back. which is kind of funny because i’m sure i haven’t experienced anything yet. i only worked for two hell hours, because i was sent home early. i was not being much help around the place. also, i burned my hands.
hello.
i donated blood the other day. you should donate blood too. it’s not that bad. i have done it twice. you can save a life you know.
i found out the other day also that my sister (the other one who was not visiting just recently, but who will be moving back into the house in about two weeks) had some tests done for her pregnancy. [my sisters are popping out babies like crazy]. the tests were for down syndrome and this other thing–i can’t remember what it’s called but i was told it’s where the baby’s spine grows oddly, like outside the back or something? i’m not really sure how it goes, but my sister’s unborn baby tested positive for that. i was also told that 80% of the tests come out positive when most of those are not. i’m hoping that’s the case for my sister, but all i can really do is hope about that. my sister has had a lot of health problems and it has caused difficulties in her pregnancies.
right now i don’t really know if i’m happy or not–you know i’m having fun going to shows, but those are not every day things. i’m having fun with piano and being able to drive whenever i want. but i’m not having fun with never going out and not having friends here in town, and i’m not the least bit excited about working, and i’m not happy that school is going to start back up in less than a month. i let the smallest things bother me sometimes and they nag at me for days. small things of no importance, i guess because i don’t have anything else to occupy my mind, really. i am a very insecure girl with self esteem issues but let’s not talk about that.
i read the book “a child called it” by dave pelzer the other day. from 1:30 am to 3:30. or sometime in the early morning hours. i read it all in one sitting, because it’s just a really good book. it’s about one of the worst child abuse cases in california [i think]. some of the stuff was so awful, it’s hard to believe that it’s not fiction. i was literally gagging at some parts, but i do recommend it. there’s also two other books this guy has written about his struggle and how it has affected him. i will purchase those later. i can’t believe people are actually abused like that, and that people are that cruel. yeah well, it lets me know i shouldn’t complain about some of the things i do. but we all know i will anyway, and really it’s just the way things are. we all complain because that is how we are programmed.
oh jesus. i can’t believe i let myself ramble this long again.
yesterday ranks high up there on the “best day of my summer so far” list.
in the afternoon maurine, her grandma, and her mom came to pick me up. they are really nice people. i don’t know if i’ve met people that nice before. and they are not the overwhelmingly obviously trying to be overly nice type thing, it’s just like, “hello i’m just being myself and myself happens to be very very nice.” or something like that?
they are just fun and nice.
so we went to kansas city and went to borders. a nice book and music and cafe place. i think we were there for an hour or something, and it’s just really hard to make up your mind when you’re suddenly surrounded by tons of stuff you want. i ended up getting a frank black album. teenager of the year. i haven’t listened to it all the way through yet. it has 22 tracks or something, but they are all pretty short. i thought the lyrics in one of them was saying, “bob dylan” but it’s really saying something ‘villian’. i even looked it up, just to see.
we saw tom petty & the heartbreakers last night. and man, that was so great. we screamed a lot, and my throat it still hurting from it. my throat has never hurt this long after a concert. i think that concert last night was my 8th or 9th. i don’t know. every time after a concert i get out all my concert stubs and just look at them. i would be sad if i lost them. i’ve even thought about getting a little photo book thing and keeping them in there. right now they are in school box i used in 5th grade. and there’s only one i’m missing, because my father never gave me my ticket stub. i was 14, i went to a concert with my dad. i didn’t really care about the stub.
i can’t really explain how great the concert was last night. besides the fact that it was really really hot (i think i eventually just got used to it though), and the people to our left were taken away for having a bag of marijuana (that was kind of actually a good thing), the whole thing was great. oh, four dollar water is crazy too. but really, it was just so great. i am not good at explaining how much i like things. but yesterday was a day i liked. it wore me out though. i didn’t do much but lay around today.
i had to go into kentucky fried chicken today for orientation–i just filled out papers and signed a lot of stuff. i got a uniform, which fits very badly. i asked for a medium shirt, but they do not have any. so i was given a large. that shirt, goes almost to my knees and the sleeves go to my elbows. it is quite flattering you know. and the pants. i wont even begin to talk about those. but really, i should not complain. because i applied for this job. i have to wear the bad uniform that does not fit. i start work on the 25th.
tomorrow my grandparents are coming to visit for awhile. i am not really too excited about this. i always feel like i have to entertain them and answer to them, honestly. and i feel bad when i’m the only one home, which will probably be the case tomorrow, and i just leave them downstairs and i go to my room. i don’t know, i guess we were just never the close grandparent granddaughter thing.
the day after tomorrow my sister, brother in law, and nephew are coming. that should be a lot of fun. i dont know how long everyone is staying.
sundy = geek rock concert. ha. i typed sundy and not sunday. i am suave.
tuesday = blood drive.
wednesday = first day of work. i am scared, to tell you the truth, because i get scared about a lot of things.
something that is funny, is that i’ve been typing into this and doing other stuff for 45 minutes. and i am really really tired.
my county’s fair is going on. and my mother has a booth where she is selling stuff. she did not sell anything today and i know that upset her, however she did get some people saying that they will return with more cash. that would be good. she would probably like my help sitting outside in the awful heat with her. but. i don’t know.
tonight there was a snake in my house. a black one. i think it was over 4 feet long, but it was not very big around. it is still shocking to be going down the stairs and realizing there is a snake crawling up the stairs. that is out of the ordinary. i yelled, “oh my god! someone come here!” or something like that with stutters in it. and i heard my parents moving around out of their chairs and they said, “what is it” and it took me a long time to respond with, “it’s a snake come here” because, really.
my dad came running and then took the snake outside into the yard.
so now i can’t really walk in my house in the dark without thinking, “i might step on a snake.”
assistant manager + shift manager = who interviewed me
questions = pretty non-existant
warned me of = the boys will hit on any girls, most of the workers are boys, old people will yell if their food is not right, must purchase special shoes, working = greasy.
monday = interview with actual manager
assistant manager = no teeth
shift manager = a girl i know
that was a nice way to put things.
i just went swimming for the first time this year in my pool. the water = semi-cold. i swam 50 laps and then got out. my head = aching.
the equal sign = great.
air condition in my car = non-existant
weather = warm
later this week = my county’s fair
my mother = has her own booth where she will be selling things
me = helping her
weather later this week = upper 90s
water = needed
anyone, please = come visit the fair and say hello to me.
my internet connection = satan.
i would like to have a chia pet. or a chia head. “chia guy”.
10:25 pm. i’m sitting in my own sweat and listening to “just like heaven” by the cure. this is one of my favorite songs.
i just saw a commercial for sonic. advertising new slush flavors. and i saw ‘open until midnight’ on the advertisement. so i said to myself [outloud, actually], “i’m going to go to sonic right now and get a green apple one.” because green apple is one of my favorite candy flavors. maybe i’ll go tomorrow in the scorching heat. actually, we all know i probably won’t go. because i lock myself up inside.
tomorrow instead of going to a piano lesson i will be baby sitting some kids. which i guess is a fair trade off, for now. i get two credits during the summer–which means if i miss a lesson i don’t have to pay for it. each lesson is seven dollars. i will make about ten dollars tomorrow. i just know i want some cash and i didn’t practice piano enough.
today i got a form in the mail for financial aid–more college stuff. about every other day i get something in the mail from some college. at first i was kind of scared, and i guess i still am of growing up and gaining responsibility. honestly i’m just totally scared of screwing my life up. i feel very incapable of controlling things how i want, but i know this is just insecurity. i’m excited for college and living somewhere else and seeing new people. and maybe making some friends, you know. but it’s still scary. but i need a new life.
it just seems funny that as i type this “everybody hurts” by REM is playing.
i am not looking forward to my senior year in high school to begin. i really dread high school. but i know that i haven’t done much to make it better. one more year.
at about this time next month one of my sister’s will be moving back into the house. she’ll be turning 25 this month, and by the end of this year she’ll have two kids. last summer she had her first child, filled with complications. it was really scary seeing my first nephew for the first time, when he’s just two days old, full of tubes and wires and bandages. but he’s fine now, and he’s HUGE! and just last month i bought the first birthday present for any baby. it was really nice. i think my sister’s babies really make me happy, but sometimes i get sad thinking about how things are changing so much. but it’s a good change, really. i am being self centered about these things, but i’m young. and i know a lot of young people are just like me.
i am excited to see my nephews grow up. and i’m excited for my sister to move back in because it was a huge change when she left. we used to hang out all the time. sometimes i still think she needs to grow up more. and i really think her husband needs to. i don’t think their relationship is all that great. i think there’s more to the bad side that we’re not hearing about. but i didn’t say that. who said that? i feel bad saying things like that. but it is what i really think.
i’ve been being really rude and moody to my mother lately. i think i should stop. but you know, sometimes she just annoys me for no reason at all. and i annoy myself for that, but i am one moody kid.
on the up-side of things, i got tickets for a show on the 22nd in the mail today. 100% geek rock tour.
so i have this anonymous note in my guestbook. and all i can think about it is, “it’s probably someone i don’t want reading my diary.” or someone i didn’t expect to read it.
honestly i didn’t think kids who know about it would read it.
my father has a dark spot on his nose. he has had skin cancer on his nose before. and i remember it starting out like that, and then turning into a scab-like thing. i’m not sure, i was young. but i am worried about this and it’s all i’ve thought about much of the day.
his lack of concern [or his lack of letting us know his concern] really bothers me. and it just makes me want to yell and scream and hit myself over and over and over. maybe i’m over reacting, i tend to do that. i think that from now on i will wear sunscreen everyday. since my father decides not to. even though he’s in the sun all the time. what am i saying. i know i won’t, because i have a huge lack of concern for my health.
i don’t know. i don’t know. i don’t know.
last night i went to my room at about 1:00am and found a movie on late night television. subUrbia. with the capital u and all. i don’t know what it was about it that left me with this odd feeling after watching it. i’m almost convinced that it was just the odd hour it was that i was watching it. it wasn’t over until 3:30. and i missed the beginning. it ended really quickly and i wasn’t sure what to think about it. i said outloud, “you can’t just end it like this!” because i hear talking outloud to the television is the thing to do.
so i wrote about it in my notebook. but i didn’t really have anything to say. i hate the way i get this overwhelming feelings sometimes and i have absolutely nothing to say about them. it’s like i am totally incapable of saying or producing anything with substance.
i am so [melo]dramatic.
i always feel silly when writing things like this because i think kids are going to call me silly, when i already know i’m too ’silly’ for my own good. and i know i really don’t have these crazy thought up problems that i have rolling around in my head.
i haven’t been outside my yard for a long time. in the last week i went to wal-mart, a piano lesson, and iga.
the rest of the time is spent here. in my house. doing nothing. because i am an active social member of my community. and i know all the kids here miss seeing my expressionless face every day.
sometimes the our water tastes salty, because we have a water softener. it shouldn’t do that. but it does. twice today, i tried to get a drink of water, because i really like water. and it was salty. so now i have this cup of water, and it doesn’t really taste salty. but i can’t drink it without thinking it does, and then feeling sick to my stomach because man, salt water is really gross.
i am just going to be dehydrated. and that’s it.
i was reading my notebook that i wrote in last summer around this time. and i didn’t realize how angry i was then.
i was also amused at the dreams i wrote down that i had. it’s funny how most of the time you just forget many of your dreams. i read that i had a dream that contain kurt cobain, and in the same dream i was yelling and screaming at my mother about things i felt were important and just receiving a blank stare in return. i mentioned that i woke up crying. i do that a lot, and i won’t remember the dreams.
i dreamt once that there was blood running down my legs–and i thought it was my period being extremely abnormal but when i ran to check i couldn’t find the source of the blood.
when i had braces i dreamt a lot about my teeth becoming crooked or falling out. and sometimes i have dreams that there’s a tornado or something coming and i’m the only one preparing for it–while my family laughs and jokes around. i can see the tornados coming toward the house and we don’t do a thing about it.
and every once in awhile i dream that someone is coming after me and i can’t get away.
also, once i dreamt that my father had to inject me with some shot that would kill me, and he did it. but i didn’t die.
you like the way i am listing dreams.
when i was younger i used to wake up screaming incoherent things all the time–at least a few times a week for a few years. and i wouldn’t remember most of them in the morning when i woke up. some of the times make for funny stories, but most of them are very unusual. yeah, my childhood bedtime was normal.
right now in my paper notebook, i’m averaging five pages a day.
it really is a wonderful thing.
i do think i need something to do with my time. i hate to say, “nothing” when someone asks me what i did today. but i dont think answering with “watched tv, wasted time on the computer, and wrote.” is really an answer anyone cares for.
maybe i underestimate how much people actually do care?
so. yesterday was july fourth. and like many people in america, my neighborhood was full of people shooting off fireworks. so many fireworks, that the area looked like it had been suddenly struck with a thick fog. it was really quite amusing.
my father bought some fireworks that were probably stolen. and these are supergreat fireworks. and we didn’t even shoot off half of them, because we’ve got this massive supply of them. for about one third the price. that’s the ticket.
yesterday i amused myself by poking a tree frog over and over and listening to it make loud noises. it was amusing. i like frogs. and toads a lot. the other day i saved two toads from my pool. i tried to save some of the frogs in it. but they would not allow me to. i am so nice.
it was a nice surprise when we finally took the cover off our pool that it was filled with tadpoles. that has never happened before. also, we’ve never waited this long to take the cover off. i took pictures of the little creatures, before they died.
i heard that two people are preparing to quit work at kentucky fried chicken, where i applied. so i might possibly be getting a call soon. i really don’t want to work there. but it’s hard to get a job right now in town. because about three factories laid off hundreds of people.
so yesterday i called miss cleo’s number because i wanted to hear the recording.
so today, a few minutes ago, i was just sitting on here and a message shows up. like an answering machine message, except it takes calls when we’re using the phone line.
i push play on the device, and i hear miss cleo’s voice.
a recorded miss cleo.
miss cleo is calling my house.
