i feel very out of touch.

it seems that once a year, i go through this stupid drastic change, or maybe i just get depressed. and everything and everyone just seems so worthless. i just want to lay in bed and watch movies, read books, write, and listen to music. i’m tiiiireed of socializing. i am mostly tired of living here. the sister and brother in law who live here are still waiting to grow up and they’re 25 years old. IT’S TIME NOW, KIDS. i’m so tired of it.

i have an online domain, which i never use anymore. it’s just a waste of money. i think i’ll cancel it soon, and maybe i’ll stop blogging. i don’t know. maybe everything will be back to ‘normal’ when the computer is fixed. maybe i’ll spend some more time on it and we’ll become buds again. my computer and i, we’re real buds.

i’m getting a lot of hours at work. that is nice. since i called in sick twice last week, i need to make up some hours. i had food poisoning or some type of flu or something, and then i caught a cold. and i’m still recovering from the cold. i’ve never been sick so many times as i have in the last 1.5 years. my immune system is DIMINISHING.

hey that’s great. i just got disconnected from the internet.

WHAT A GREAT COMPUTER. it will be repaired this week. i am glad. i dont really care if all my crap gets deleted.

we got a cd burner from my uncle for christmas. i will use it someday when the computer works.

last night this girl called me (the only girl who ever calls me who is not from my work or my neighbor) and asked me to hang out with her. i said no. i said i was watching a movie and didn’t feel very well. and that was the truth. i never really want to go out. and she’s boring. but around her and her friends i am the boring one. it is okay though. because i am very boring.

one day, i will find someone equally as boring and we’ll have a lot of fun.

i really need someone to just hang out with right now. because i’m tired of sitting in front of the computer pretending to have friends who i’ll never get to just sit around and do nothing with.

it all just feels worthless to me right now. everything.

maybe i’m just silly and girly and a dreamer. a silly girly dreamer with a stupid country song in her head.

I HATE THIS SONG.

i can’t remember anything i just typed.

i am going insane. officially.

my house is driving me insane.

i am tired of everyone complaining about eachother. i tell everyone that i’m just tired of hearing it whenever they start. my father never gripes about it really, because it drives him nuts when it’s all he hears. he doesnt ever tell us what is wrong. maybe i get that from him, i do not know.

the other day my brother in law made me quite upset and i complained to my mother some of the story. and it’s so awful because i can see both sides of what’s going on.

my sister feels that my mother is trying to make her take care of her kids a certain way–and in a way she is. my mother wants the best for her grandchildren and she doesn’t feel that’s what my sister and brother in law are doing now that they have a new baby.

sometimes i agree with her and that bothers me. i think they are somewhat ignoring him–or being mean. and i tell them that because i’m not going to do this stupid censoring myself nonsense. they don’t care. i don’t feel well when my brother in law is here alone, taking care of the kids. because i honestly think he doesn’t care enough. and that should not happen.

i feel bad for thinking that i just want them to move out. they’ve been living here since august. my sister is 25 years old, married with two children, and my parents are supporting them. she is not a failure. she can do better than this. sometimes i think she has quit. her marriage is not a happy one and i know it. we all know it around here but i guess we all pretend we’re ignorant.

i’m always sad at this time of the year. maybe because it’s finals week and i’m extremely stressed out. i have to turn in a college application this week. i’m glad i dont have to write an essay for this one or i’d be screwed. who knew i’d be this short on time. i feel like i’m wastiing time typing this. i havent even had time to write in my own notebook for a week.

i’ll be up for about 2 more hours tonight, preparing for a final i have tomorrow. i have to write a compare and contrast paper on the book and the movie ‘the joy luck club’. i’m not looking forward to this but it must be done. i have a creative writing final tomorrow. perhaps the most useless class ever. i still get mad when i think about how much time i wasted in that class.

next weekend my family will be here. it will be nice. i have to give up my room to my uncle. i gave up my room last christmas. i slept on the floor. i have a bad back. I I I I that is all i say.

last night was the christmas party for work at the bowling alley. i can’t say it was fun, but it could be worse. i am not socially mixable. it has gotten better, my stupid social anxiety since i started working but these people are not the type who make me feel comfortable. this kid was talking about how i am not ’social’. i guess he thinks i’m deaf, because he was talking about me when i was sitting right behind him. i said, “why are you talking about me?” and they lied about what they were talking about.

yeah, it makes me feel nice. why do people make it out to be such a big deal that i do not talk that much? i have a lot to say but these kids are so dumb here. or maybe it is all in my head.

this weekend i worked a lot. my paycheck will still suck. my parents still do not know about my piercing. i do not plan on telling them until summertime.

i fell asleep for two hours this afternoon after work while reading my book. i had this weird dream. i was vomiting and this girl is like, “are you okay? are you sick?” and i said i didn’t know.

and she said multiple times throughout the dream, “you never know. always not knowing.”

and then i was talking through a parking lot with my dad, holding his hand like i did when i was really little. and he said he was taking me to the hospital. and i started mentioning things like what am i going to do when i go away to college and i dont have him to take care of me…and other things like that. then i said, “i have a lot of homework to do.” and i woke up saying that. it was like some kind of movie with odd symbolism that means absolutely nothing.

things are changing and i still hate it but look forward to it at the same time.

do i ever make up my mind?

no no no.

i am not done christmas shopping. it is nice being able to buy stuff for poeple with your own money for the first time. i know that for a fact.

it is nice.

also i’ve gained about 13 pounds so that is always fun.

i had this dream last night that i was eating lunch at school and suddenly everyone started running toward the snack bar, so i started running too even though i didn’t know what it was about. and then i found out that we were all running to get into the pizza line, because they were serving pizza. isn’t that funny.

the other night at work this kid slipped and fell, and i made fun of him all night. also, i was taking a drive thru order, and my ear piece fell off. and i said, “oh my ear piece!” in the middle of repeating the order and i still had the button pushed that lets me speak through the speaker.

also, i was taking this lady’s order on front line and then i suddenly started thinking about how funny it was when my co-worker (the manager for the night) fell down, and i started laughing in the middle of taking her order. and i bet she thought i was insane.

also, (also is a hip word) there is this lady who works at wal mart who apparently knows who i am but i have no idea who she is. i told her my name one day because she needed to get my film out from register one, and she was like, “oh i almost didn’t recognize you.” and i was thinking, “that’s nice because i don’t recognize you.” and then yesterday i went to wal mart and she’s like, “so you graduate this year?” and i said, “yes.”

and i still do not know who this woman is. but her name tag says, “sharon.”

ALSO, tonight my sister and my dad and i were talking about 60s music and movies. and my dad was going to go to bed, and my sister and i told him not to because we wanted to hear about his ‘era’. so then my sister said, “TELL US ABOUT THE 20S.”

and that was really funny because my father is not ELDERLY. he just gave us a funny look and said, “talk to poppy.” who is our grandpa.

my paycheck that i got on tuesday was only for $106. HOW CRAPPY IS THAT.

tomorrow is 60s day at school. we all dress up 60s-like and every class will have a lesson on the 60s. our hallways are covered in 60s projects and posters and stuff. it is super neat.

last week and this week was the food drive at school. i brought 11 cans. our goal was 1500 pounds. if we reached 1500 pounds, then one of the teachers who has very very shaggy hair had to shave it. and we did. we got 2000 pounds or something. so on friday we will have an assembly to watch someone shave his head. it is funny. because there are funny posters about it all over the school.

in spanish class we are making pinatas. my group is making a dolphin. i do not really like dolphins. i suggested that we make a blowfish but only one kid who is more odd than me liked the idea. he is the ‘weezah/ninja master’ kid. really, a blow fish would have been so much neater but i didn’t want to listen to the dolphin lover girl complain. also i dont really care.

today i got a great package in the mail from maurine. it has two pairs of socks and one pair are slipper socks that come with an eye mask so i can get my beauty sleep! i will have to take a picture of me sleeping in it someday. it’s so great.

next week is finals week. FUN TIMES FIVE.

friday in psychology someone will get hypnotized. that will be neat.

THIS IS A LONG POST FULL OF NOTHING.

i should be sleeping. it is 12:46 am. i will get up at 7:00am. that is my favorite time to wake up on school days. but i often get up (or plan to) earlier to finish work i didn’t feel like doing the day before.

okay i am done typing because apparently today i was in the typing mood.

i have a college visit on january 9. you should go too. i will not tell you what college BECAUSE YOU MIGHT STALK ME.

goodnight.

today i met a girl named sierra who sacrificed a rat in order to put a curse on her dad. she sits at the same lunch table.

seriously.

hi kids!

so there is not a lot going on. i should be working on my children’s book for creative writing, but i’m not. i’m quite behind, because i cannot work at the super speed the teacher is wanting us to.

well i guess i could, but then i’d be giving a child a very crappy book. and at this point i don’t really care about my grade in the class, or what the teacher thinks of me.

i told the teacher that i can’t work that fast on illustrating a children’s book. (why do we have to draw in a creative writing class). i wish that class was more about writing because you find it pleasureable, than about being very technical. if anything, my writing has become worse.

my bellybutton is hurting. the day after i was pierced it hardly hurt at all, and the day after that it was not very sore either.

but yesterday it started hurting and today it hurts a lot. that is nice to know.

tonight at work i spilled very hot water all over my hand and arm. that was a lot of fun.

wait. that is a lie.

i keep getting various pop songs stuck in my head. like bootylicious and a mandy moore song. they are always playing at work.

weezer’s ‘island in the sun’ plays a lot at work too. on the same station.

i do not like working on sundays. because i am always scheduled from 11-4. and that takes a lot of my day. and sundays are always busy with elderly people coming in after church services.

on monday and wednesday of next week i have to close drive through. which means i will be home for about 30 minutes after school before i have to go to work, and i’ll be working about 6.5 hours. on a school night.

on the plus side of everything, i learned how to make mashed potatoes at work yesterday. because you have to be 18 to work the mixer.

nice.

it’s cold in my house.

[used to be a picture of a freshly pierced bellybutton]

that is what i did for my 18th birthday.

also i got six pairs of silly socks. a cheesecake, and forty dollars.

yesterday this kid who is friends with the very pretty boy at school walked by me and pointed at my shoes and said, “those shoes are tight.” to his friend. he has a pair just like them. those trendy converse ones. except his are not high tops. we match.

i think i like three boys right now. all of which i dont really know. except the best friend of the pretty boy is in my advisery and two other classes. and he’s the one who told the pretty boy earlier in the year that i listened to the sex pistols. because apparently that was interesting to them.

because in our town that is not very common. “especially for a girl. i don’t know. i’m stupid.” said the pretty boy.

hahaha

this is embarrassing.

today the pretty boy wore (i typed whore) his ninja turtles shirt. he has shaggy brown hair and he’s skinny and a pete townshend nose.

PLEASE DON’T EVER MENTION THE LAST FEW PARAGRAPHS OF THIS ENTRY TO ME. EVER.

what’s with me and embarrassing entries lately.

i am so girly and this entry PROVES IT.

but i am happy, even though i have tons of homework to do. i dont work until friday. hooray.

today my mom tripped over a cord in the dining room and really hurt her knee. i was really frightened for a little bit. she is hurting. this is the second time she’s fallen and injured herself in the last few months. 2001 has been a sucky year for some reasons.

but i also had a lot of fun in 2001.

that rhymes. I AM THE RHYME MASTER.

CAPS LOCK IS FUN.

i am so paranoid and stupid sometimes. it drives me nuts.

my birthday is tomorrow.

i hate when people ask me what i want for my birthday. or christmas or anything because really, if you think i’m going to answer it then YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

i went christmas shopping with my sister tonight. some chrismtas shopping, anyway. i will do more tomorrow.

i bought myself another composition notebook. it is green. that is the only reason why i bought it. i am not even halfway through the notebook i am using now. but oh well. also i have another notebook that is blank with some stuff pasted on the front. for awhile i had this phase where i decorated notebooks. this one was going to be for a kid called ty but i never finished it or sent it. maybe i will finish it during christmas vacation, and send it. probably not though, because i am lazy. and i’ll probably have homework over christmas break because i took stupid classes that require a lot of work.

today when i was in spanish class i realized that i had a section in the workbook due today. i had forgotten over the weekend. so i didn’t turn it in, and i will get a late grade. but i’ve gotten a late grade on lots of homework in that class because i always forget. but i do good on the tests.

also, regarding school work, i never do my math homework. we turn in all our assignments at once. my teacher, mr robot voice always comments about how i skip the last several problems and that i need to “correct this habit” but this time he didn’t. he gave me a 96/100 and said, “good missing a few”. i think he was tired of grading by then or something because there were about 3-4 assignments that i didn’t do.

also, i usually do pretty decent on the tests in there. i do not study very much but i usually manage to do well on tests. i think i am lucky.

tonight my sister and i bought a yellow polka dotted thong for my mom as a gag gift for christmas. we usually buy skimpy underwear for the men in the family but i thought it would be funny to give my mom a thong. so we bought my mom a thong.

A THONG. FOR MY MOM.

we always buy gag gifts for everyone. christmas is kind of a joke for us sometimes i think. and i like that. we give dumb gifts and then play charades all night.

i have had ‘walkin in a winter wonderland’ in my head all day.

the other day in psychology we were talking about those beds in hotels where you put quarters in and it vibrates. and this girl said, “who invented something like that?” and the teacher said, “someone KINKY.”

that was funny.

goodnight.

hello fanclub.

so it’s december first. happy december first to you.

my december first was spent working, and my december second will be spent working also. then i have four days in a row off, which is unusual but i shall not complain.

my birthday is on tuesday. i havent told anyone except my family (which is kind of funny because they already know). but a girl at work found out and wrote it on the schedule. so today this kid named wally was like, “so why didn’t you tell anyone your birthday is on tuesday?” and he said he’s going to get me something, which probably means some gross gag gift. which is actually funny but, it might be embarrassing opening a gift that is a thong or some kind of sex toy. oh man. the possibilities. for my boss’s birthday he got her some lacy thongs and condoms.

we drew names at work for a kind of secret santa thing, except it’s not really a secret. though i dont know who got my name. i got this one girl, and i dont know what to get her. i think i will find out what kind of cigarettes she smokes, buy a pack and bury it inside a big bag of candy. it’s always fun promoting the rotting of peoples’ lungs. but i don’t know what else she would like. she likes smoking, i’ll get her cigarettes.

there was this pretty boy in kfc tonight. he was wearing this olive green jacket that was once part of some military uniform i think and blue shoes. and a red shirt. he was pretty, and then there i was in a nice flattering uniform wiping tables and mopping up this big puddle of soda someone spilled.

people are so messy. speaking of messy, the women’s bathroom is just disgusting. i have to clean the toilets everytime i am scheduled to work lobby, and there’s almost always dried vomit under the seat. last week i had to clean some really gross vomit (worse than usual) and then the other night there was poop all over the back of the seat. and tonight someone managed to get poop on the garbage can. WHO ARE THESE WOMEN AND THEY ARE THEY SO GROSS? the men’s bathroom is never that dirty. except sometimes men are too lazy to lift up the toilet seat and pee all over it.

these are nice bathroom stories. and i only get paid 5.35 an hour! at least it’s not minimum wage anymore.

for my birthday i told my mom that i want cheesecake. so she’s going to make me a cheesecake and that will be my present from her. i haven’t really asked for anything this year because there’s not a lot i want. we’re always tight with money, especially now. my dad just had to get his truck fixed and that cost about 300 dollars i think. my sister and brother in law are living with us. and though we’re not paying for all their expenses, it’s still more expensive.

i have over 600 dollars in the bank. i will be taking a lot out for christmas and stuff but by the time next summer is over and i’m heading to college i’ll have a lot saved up. i am so rich.

man, that boy at school is still very pretty. i think it’s funny how i am ‘physically attracted’ to this boy and i am always like, “oh man, if i go down this hallway at this time i will see him” and “oh there is his car i want to park next to it.” or once, i saw him driving so i went really fast and caught up with him. he’s probably like, “that girl is stalking me.” but he’s just really pretty. i’ve never had a decent conversation with him. he’s just really pleasant to look at. i mean, man.

i feel so girly. i haven’t had a ‘crush’ on a boy forever. if i told my ‘friends’ that i think he’s so great looking they would laugh at me and say, “he needs a haircut”. for sure.