i would like it to be known that today i ate an entire jar of dill pickle spears, a bag of strawberry sour punch bites, a half package of chicken ramen noodles, and about 15 jelly beans. three pepsis and a mountain dew.

 

that is the perfect example of a healthy, well-balanced diet.

 

because of how i ate today, most likely tomorrow i will be ill.

 

april 20th is a dilemma. (how is that spelled?) i need to find something to do. i think most likely i will drive up to columbia and waste time there. on april 10th, i finally get to drive there by myself for a show so i should be able to go there more often pretty soon. slowly, my parents are gaining more confidence in me.

 

if i go to columbia, i’ll probably just spend like five hours in the mall and pretend to be having a fun time. actually i probably won’t have to pretend because if i bring a lot of money i’ll be buying a lot of fun crap stuff. and then i will take myself out to eat and it will be my best date ever.

 

i dont think there are any shows for that night. which totally sucks because how cool would it be to go to a show instead of prom. the answer would be “super” cool, of course, my friends.

 

tomorrow my sister is officially moving into her new house. which is so great, because from now on, on weekends i will be able to sleep in without hearing my nephew screaming in the mornings. it’s also become something of a burden–mostly an annoyance i guess. i mean i really love them and everything but it’s just nice to have just my parents and me in the house. i get the house to myself more often. of course i will probably visit my sister, nephew, and niece every other day, but i will not have to live with them.

 

and that is nice.

 

i really should do something else.

 

tomorrow is ewan mcgregor’s 31st birthday, i think. i should celebrate by watching him DANCE AROUND NAKED IN THE FILM VELVET GOLDMINE.

 

i am not really a pervert. this is all make-believe.

today i plan to:

 

a) get money out of the bank because i am broke

 

b) buy a sandwich

 

c) buy yogurt

 

d) buy pickles

 

e) buy chips and onion dip

 

f) stuff my face until i feel like vomiting

 

g) not vomit

 

h) spend time alone

 

i) fill pages in my notebook

 

j) breathe oxygen

 

k) praise myself for showering and shaving my legs

 

l) read some of great expectations

 

m) read some of breakfast of champions

 

n) face the fact that a lot of stuff in this list will not be done.

 

o) i can’t think of anymore.

 

i am pretty bored. i could go out and begin doing things on this list but i don’t feel like it. which is pretty funny, really. i have to take my sister to the pharmacy later. why my mother couldn’t do it herself while they were in town (and while she’s in town now) i will never know. apparently it’s easier for me to go out of my way to take care of things. like my 25 year old sister’s errands.

 

oh i should add something fantastic to my list that i just thought of.

 

 

p) make a mixtape for no one in particular

 

the bottoms of my feet feel bruised from working last night. i stood for seven hours and i did not get a break. the night was really a lot of fun when a baseball team came in to eat without even a ten minute notice. that was fun. HEY NOT REALLY. it could have been about 928374 times worse though, really.

 

also last night this boy and i were digging through the kid’s toys at work after we closed and we found the best one ever to be invented on planet earth:

 

 

tell me you don’t want one. you’d be lying if you did, i bet.

 

his name is chester texture according to the packaging but maurine and i both agreed that his name is Herbert. with a capital H.

 

today i had the house to myself for about two hours and it was the nicest thing ever. i went downstairs and watched television, which i never do anymore. i watched mtv2. and they played some nice videos. i’d like to state that the white stripes’ video “fell in love with a girl” is probably one of the best things ever. as well as phantom planet’s “california”. i dont really like that song a lot but i like the small piano part. today i taught myself how to play that one part on the piano. because i have a life. and it’s a pretty active one.

 

 

q) drink plenty of fluids

 

also today i flipped the channel on the television set to regular mtv and saw part of a shakira video. and it’s a song that i keep hearing girls at school talk about. they say they really love it and that it’s so great, and i heard it today, AND IT’S HORRIBLE. i am sorry but i cannot stand her voice. it seems to alternate from something nice and decent, to a deep nasal sound. and the alternation nasal sounds just don’t do it for me. the first time i saw her pepsi commercial, i seriously thought it was a parody because of her voice.

 

i dont have anything against her, i suppose. i just do not like her voice AT ALL.

 

i have lost ten pounds in one week. which isn’t actually that cool because i bet it’s quite unhealthy. also i bet it’s because i’ve hardly been eating because every time i eat i feel sick. so most likely, today after i buy all that food that i mentioned previously, i’ll take a few bites and then i’ll be done because i’ll feel like vomiting. hopefully it’s just the medicine i am on that is causing this. i have to take it for another week though. MEDICATION FUN!!

 

oh all my spanish papers (or most) i write at the top [NAME OF ASSIGNMENT] FUN!!

 

i wonder if my teacher has noticed that yet.

 

r) clean my room

 

i hope i get some mail today. i like to get mail. also i should be getting some books that i ordered soon. so i hope i get those today. i like books. they are user friendly.

 

speaking of mailboxes, i have this picture of my mailbox that i took during the big ice storm here in february, and it is seriously the best picture ever. if my scanner worked i’d scan it and then show it to all of my fan club.

 

the kid across the street rides around her yard on a riding lawn mower for fun all the time. i used to do that. we have semi-big yards. three acres.

 

i really like my yard. i think i need to have a big party and you are all invited to come play in my yard. this party will take place sometime in the summer. so we can go swimming and have a barbeque in my backyard. not really a barbeque, but maybe eat some potato salad and ice cream. then we can walk up the street to an old one room school house that is falling apart that i used to play in all the time and explore and have a super adventure. and then we can catch lightening bugs and put them in a jar with holes in the lid and watch the jar glow at night and then let the bugs free when we are done.

 

my friends and i used to sit in the middle of the road and pop tar bubbles when we were bored. that is ‘back in the day’ when my wishy washy friend and her sister still lived across the street and one house down.

 

 

so really this has turned into a really dumb rambling session. i’ve been typing for thirty minutes.

 

i need a haircut. i really need a haircut. does anyone remember when the disney channel had these like three minute singing sessions. and one of them was about this boy whose parents wanted him to get a haircut, and he didn’t want to. and then at the end he did, but really all they did was get his hair wet and comb it differently. and he sang, “i like my haircut, i really like my haircut!”

 

it was almost as cool as the polka-dots, checks and stripes OUT OF FASHION. polka-dots checks and stripes!

it was so nice outside today. i didn’t spend a lot of the day outside though and i wish i would have. maybe tomorrow, if it’s nice like this. i remember last year on nice days i used to just sit outside with a notebook and doodle and ramble and waste time.

 

today is just one of those days, where i think about things too much. like what i wish i could be and how nice it would be if blah blah blah, and blah blah blah, oh and blah blah blah. dumb things, and more dumb things. i do not like to feel sad, especially over stupid things, because i feel pathetic.

 

i wish i had bought pickles today. i really want to eat some pickles and i am not craving homemade pickles, which we have. i want some store bought ones. some vlasic zesty dill pickles.

 

tonight i rented movies. i’ve watched two of them already. ghost world and the virgin suicides. they are both pleasant. i have been wanting to see ghost world since it came out but it was not as good as i had expected. i almost rented trainspotting again. but instead i just rented velvet goldmine again. because it is so great.

 

also i rented moulin rouge. and today i found a picture of ewan mcgregor buried under a lot of junk on my desk. so apparently today is ewan mcgregor day in my household. though really i havent seen him in many things, however he is a pretty man.

 

and i like things that are pretty.

 

and maybe a few things that are not.

today was not really good but i am still not in a bad mood. which is a good thing. i definitely have a way with words.

 

this morning i forgot to take my medication and i felt like crap for awhile. also i made up like, 1/37 of a test. it sucks making up work. it feels like there’s so much to do, when i really only missed two days and there’s not actually that much. today i had to make up a lab for my science class with some girl i don’t know. but it was fine. when i left i taped my paper on the teacher’s door, because i am cool.

 

my school does not have very many ‘real’ doors. our walls are metal, and movable. and the doors are just wall segments on wheels. so sound travels pretty far sometimes. also when someone knocks on the wall you can hear it on the other side. and if someone falls into the wall hard enough you will see it move or things on the wall move (on the other side). also we have really old green carpet.

 

this morning before school (i actually only got there about ten minutes earlier than usual) this kid and i were walking next to each other in the hallway and suddenly he goes, “hello. how are you?” and then decided that we should shake hands. so we did while i replied, “i’m great. how are you?”

 

i dont know why but it was an amusing moment for no real reason. it just was. also he is a neat kid that i dont really know. he is neat because he is not your usual trendy kid. i tend to think a lot of unusual kids are neat.

 

tonight my sister made the most awesome hats EVER. she had trouble making some that fit us though.

 

 

that is us in our too small and too big hats.

 

here is a picture of me rocking and rolling in my hat:

 

 

i just remembered that i have a psychology test tomorrow and that is so great. i never study for those because i am the #1 student. seriously.

HEY NOT REALLY.

 

tonight i am really very bored.

 

rufus wainwright is coming to columbia on may 10. i’ve never listened to him, really. but i’d still like to see him anyway.

 

scintillating.

so today i had this math test right?

 

well he hands it out and i look at it. and i do not know how to do a single problem.

 

so i copy down the problems, and pretend i’m trying but failing to do them. so then i erase all my pseudo work.

 

and turn the test in.

 

ALRIGHT!

 

so that was the highlight of my day. also another highlight:

 

me: want to buy some nuts? (the senior class is selling some trail mix and nuts or something for a fund raiser)

weezah boy: no. but you want to see mine?

me: haha no thanks.

weezah boy: they’re for sale. actually they are for rent.

me: are they rent to own?

weezah boy: i rent them out by the hour. but i’ll give you a discount since i know you.

 

and then some other stuff that wasn’t as amusing.

 

today at lunch i ate about six french fries and threw the rest away because my appetite is nice. right now i am eating popcorn because i need to eat something.

 

the brand of stuff we are selling includes “I.B. Nuts” in it. and this kid told a teacher that it stands for “interestingly big nuts” and it was very amusing because he kept a straight face when he said that. and also because we’re all the most immature kids ever.

 

today at lunch i was talking to my wishy washy friend about how cool i am. and she said something along the lines of, “it’s okay. i know a happier place where you are free to be cool and be yourself.”

 

and i just stared at her for a second and then we started laughing.

 

so i guess today really did have a few highlights.

 

oh except for the fact that i woke up this morning around 5:45 am. and could not go back to sleep. also the electricity decided to go out and i had to get ready for school in the dark. when i went outside i realized that my car was covered in ice about 1/4 of an inch thick. GREAT. the scraper didn’t work well and neither did the defrost, but i managed to scrape enough off to see. i got to school very late because i left at the time i usually arrive. but was not counted tardy because of the weather.

 

 

today in novels class i realized that i did not read far enough in ‘great expectations’. i was absent the day the book was given out, and the teacher was gone the last two days of the week which i attended. so i asked a student and was told the wrong thing. that is nice. so i failed a quiz today. but i do not feel bad about that.

 

also i have a huge spanish assignment and i left my book in my locker.

 

SCORE.

 

so i guess really today has been a good bad day.

 

if there is no school tomorrow because of the crap weather, then my spring break will only be TWO school days. yeah, we get a thursday, a friday, and a monday off. what kind of break is that.

 

i like lemonaide.

sometimes i like to type things in here and then delete them.

 

i have been on the internet too much this weekend. tomorrow is a school day. it is a three day school week. hooray hooray. i use the word hooray a lot. and super and fantastic. and i say, “which is just insane” about twelve and a half times a day. or more.

 

work was so busy today and it was insane. we had a four hundred dollar hour and i somehow managed to do drive-thru almost completely by myself. which includes taking orders, collecting money, packing them and handing them all out. fact 29834774: i am so cool.

 

i have a math test tomorrow which i am not prepared for. we did a math review on friday in mister robot’s class. on the chalkboard we all get up there and do the problems he says to. what is funny is that he’ll check everyone’s problems but the girls’. because he’s so used to us not getting them right or understanding. and we do not run to this bastard for help because he’s mister robot bastard man. fact 92834773: i did not know how to do any of the problems.

 

fact 298347984: i don’t care how well i do on the test tomorrow.

 

fact 2836789: math is like a foreign language. some people just do not speak it.

 

i do not have an appetite lately, which is crazy. maybe it’s the medication i am on. when i do eat, i can’t eat a whole lot. and when i’m done i feel nauseous. that is really a lot of fun.

 

maurine and i may be attending a show on april 10. i forgot to ask my parents tonight but really. how can they say no to a good kid like me.

 

it’s almost ten o’clock pm and i have not even opened my school bag to see if i have had homework to work on or not. i am a good student. i always type ’stupid’ instead of ’student’.

 

freudian slip!

some people have this very artistic ‘feel’ to them. when i am around them or talking to them or looking at something they’ve made or written. and it makes me feel very inferior.

 

i wish i were something sometimes. also i have very high self esteem. i keep thinking this and probably writing it but i just want to be admired for some reason or another.

 

today was up and down. i almost started crying during math class because mister robot teacher is an ASSHOLE. and that is the understatement of the year.

 

sometimes i was happy in school sometimes i was sad. at work i was mostly in a nice mood but then i suddenly felt “hey, this is stupid i hate people i hate work i want to go home and cry.” but then i felt better on the way home. and now i am just indifferent, i think. i am not sure indifferent is the word i am really looking for but that is quite alright with me.

 

i was really really happy about an hour ago because i bought bright green shoes. and then i realized how much i spent on them when i could have gotten some other ones, maybe not green, but other ones for half the price. but i really like the color green. and that my friends is all that matters.

 

i smell like cotton candy.

 

today i let pretty boy number two borrow one of my text books. i am so nice. also is it time for me to stop thinking of him as so great because everytime i see him i try to find something wrong with him so i will have reason to just not like boys who do not care about my existance. i would list all the reasons i think some boys are great here but i don’t think so. because that is just silly of me.

 

today i wrote ‘tina is cool’ on a chalkboard. and weezah boy and another cool girl and me were coming up with similies to add onto that nice phrase (most of which made no sense but that is why they were so great). however everything was erased at the end of the hour. but i put “hi kids!” on the board with my finger. because, as previously stated, i am cool.

 

last night was the talent show at school and i really wanted to go. but i had to work. and that made me upset. and it made me even more upset that i could have made it to the show on time to see the only act i wanted to see after i got off work at closing. but that is alright.

 

some boy, i hear, did a parody of britney spears. which was really hilarious or either really gross or dumb, according to whoever you hear it from. and this kid’s mom was in the audience and did not know what he was going to do. and was very embarrassed and now he is grounded for a very long time. i do not know about you but i find that hilarious.

 

in other news:

 

i have to be at work at 10:30 tomorrow morning. hooray!

i am alive and almost well!

 

today weezah boy called me a lesbian. that did not bother me but he was really annoying today. also i was in a bad mood at school so that didn’t help any either. he told me my sweater looked like i stole it from an old lady. which is not really true, i stole it from an old man.

 

if anyone would like to make plans with me for april 20, 2002, contact me ASAP. (ha) for that night is stupid prom in my town and i’m very tired of people asking me if i’m going and who i’m going with and what i’m going to do with my beloved hair. SHUT UP ALREADY I AM NOT GOING. i would much rather have plans. because really, why spend all that money to be bored and feel out of place, when i could spend a lot of money (but not as much) doing something i actually enjoy?

 

COME ON KIDS LET’S GET REALISTIC.

 

my mom wants me to go so she can have pictures. how silly. “but tina your sisters went all four years!”

 

i am exactly like my sisters.

 

i guess this bothers me a little, that i do not really have friends at school i would feel comfortable spending an entire evening with. also it is nice that boys like me a lot. and that is so great. i graduate soon. and i am glad.

 

girls are really dumb. i am glad i do not act like a lot of girls i know (and if i do please slap me). if i were a man i would probably be gay. because boys are so great (well, some) and girls are annoying. well some girls. like all the ones i know from school. so i guess i dont really make sense.

and that is okay with me.

 

I AM A HAPPY CAMPER TONIGHT OBVIOUSLY.

 

caps lock always wins, in the end.

today i did not attend school because i am even more sickly. tomorrow i don’t think i will attend either.

 

i got on the computer originally to work on this paper that is due tomorrow but i do not feel up to doing any ‘analytical’ thinking. my head hurts enough already.

 

so instead of doing anything productive i am rambling like usual.

 

today i was writing in my notebook and then suddenly i was like, “holy crap i need to stop i think i’m going to pass out.”

 

here are the following tv programs i have viewed or at least laid in front of the tv while they were on:

 

 

part of good morning america

live with regis and kelly (neither of them were hosting today)

the view

judge judy

judge joe brown

days of our lives

passions

the ananda lewis show

the rosie odonnel show

 

other things i can’t remember. i am cool.

 

i think i need to rest my hands.

you know what is so great it hurts? when you get some courage to message pretty boy number two on msn instant messenger (because yes you asked someone else for his email) and when you’re halfway through typing your message, he goes offline. now that, my friends, is a classic moment.

 

i’m also pretty classy tonight with a very runny nose. and a beautiful cough. i took some of my cough medicine which makes me feel funny and i am feeling some effects of it now. fantastic!

i should probably start on a poetry analysis paper that is due wednesday but i think i’m going to put it all off until tomorrow. hopefully i’ll be feeling a bit more like thinking intelligent things. i have a test tomorrow in my novels class which i don’t feel like studying for, over the book dr. jekyll and mr. hyde which i did not like very much. have i never mentioned that i do not like the way my novels teacher (previous creative writing teacher) teaches? (only about fifty-three times) it just feels like she does everything out of the book and just believes things should be one way and that is it. it’s not so bad with this novels class but it really bothered me in creative writing.

 

because really, if i ever had the talent to be a good published writer it would be some kind of off beat writing or something. i don’t know. i just don’t think rules of grammar and punctuation are as important as the words. what i’m saying doesn’t have to be spelled out in front of you. that’s the whole point of analyzing works of literature, isn’t it?

 

(i am definitely NOT saying that anything i write can be considered a good work of literature. it’s just me and words and words i type.)

 

oh i have a way with words, don’t you know? also i’ve noticed that i’m having a great time with parentheses tonight.

 

i’m drinking grape flavor-aid and it is a-okay. tonight i won an ebay auction for two kurt vonnegut books, which i have not read yet. is it me or do i use the word ‘which’ a lot.

 

this summer i hope to do a lot of the following:

 

–writing and doodling into my handy composition notebooks

 

–being free to drive to other towns and do cheap shopping for crap items

 

–go to a lot of shows. AS MANY AS POSSIBLE.

 

–make money without feeling that work is a huge burden (HAHAHA)

 

 

–exercise (seriously kids i really need to start being active again)

 

–read read read read read read read

 

–have movie marathons until early morning.

 

–eat ice cream

 

–SAVE MONEY FOR NEW YORK HOLY CRAP I CANNOT WAIT

 

–kiss a lot of boys. (it has been two years since i kissed a boy)

 

–the previous one will probably not happen but i didn’t say this is the list of things that WILL happen.

 

–talk to weezah boy!

 

–suck face with pretty boy number one, or just have dreams about it

 

–stop writing about kissing and things like that

 

–send people neat packages

 

–keep my room clean (it needs this very badly. i can’t find ANYTHING in there because either i get very busy or just lazy. usually i am just lazy)

 

–take pictures of lots of things.

 

–buy things for college

 

–become even less shy.

 

–give give give give give give give

 

–meet a lot of new people (yeah. that’s going to happen)

 

–discover lots of new bands and more of other bands i should already know about.

 

–ROCK AND ROLL.

 

okay i am done for now. because for awhile i forgot what i was making a list about. also i embarrass myself a lot when i talk about boys. BUT APPARENTLY THIS DIARY HAS TURNED INTO BOY CENTRAL DIARY. which is just sad. i do not blame my reader(s?) for turning away.

 

so now i’m going to talk about a boy.

 

weezah boy asked me when i’m going to cut my hair as a joke, because he gets asked that quite a lot. because his hair is getting very shaggy. and i told him that i believe he needs to put barretts in his hair, like the ones with poodles. (i have some of those. i should give him some for his birthday. even though i dont know what day it is.) he laughed at that. and then showed me that he can twirl his hair now, which he likes to do when people look over at him. because perhaps it frightens them.

 

PLEASE DO NOT MAKE FUN OF ME FOR THIS ENTRY AND THE FACT THAT ALL I TALK ABOUT IS BOYS AND OTHER TIMES I COMPLAIN. I AM EMBARRASSED BUT UNFORTUNATLY THIS IS WHO I AM. THE GIRL WHO TALKS ABOUT BOYS AND HAS A COLD AND TYPES IN ALL CAPS LOCK.

 

this morning i woke up early to put the dark clothes in the dryer. i had them in there for an hour, and my jeans were in there. but they weren’t dry when i really had to leave. so i put them on wet and it was really cold. also my hair was damp when i left for school so it just felt like i was soaking wet.

 

today i’m wearing rainbow striped toe socks. my formerly wet jeans. a camouflage belt. a yellow ozma shirt under an old air force shirt that my mom gave me this summer (it’s probably as old as i am) and my orange old man $1 sweater. therefore i am still cooler than you. also i wore yellow shoes.

 

today on ebay i bid on some blue shoes. today i told my mom that i think it’s great that all i want is a bunch of the same shoes in different colors. and instead of looking at me funny like i expected she said, “i think that would be neat.”

 

and this is nearing the end of my super long entry in my super secret diarything.

 

i didn’t realize i was so much into rambling. i feel a lot better now than i did when i started writing this entry.

 

what is funny is that i have “the boy with the arab strap” by belle and sebastian on repeat. and the first time i heard this song i thought it was a load of crap. but now i think it is great. also i just had it in my head so i thought listening to it might make it a little less annoying.

 

but who am i kidding. i love this song now i do not know why. please do not make fun of me.

 

I CAN’T HANDLE IT.

 

maybe my cough syrup has made me drunk again.

 

holy crap i’ve typed a lot and in 40 minutes.