today i bought a new bra and it makes my boobs look nice.

i’m doing a very good job at keeping myself busy lately. for the last two days i’ve been baby sitting, and i’ll be doing the same tomorrow and friday as well. it’s not that bad i guess but i’d rather be at home laying in the sun and reading/writing crap. i’ve spent a lot of the last two days in the sun watching the kids next door and i’ve already got a dark tan. my mom says i’m pretty when i’m tanned/ my mom says i’m pretty when i expose myself to ultraviolet rays and risk skin cancer.

at least i don’t use tanning beds. i’ve never even SEEN one in person.

so, yesterday i bought a swim suit and a pair of pants. and spent a ridiculous amount of money, which i hope to never do again on two things. it’s a good thing i really don’t wear my bathing suit in front of many people, or outside my backyard fence.

today i bought me talk pretty one day by dave sedaris and the bridges of madison county by robert james waller. i like books. now i have 8 books to read this summer. hooray.

summer is the loneliest season i think.

i hope that by the end of my summer vacation i will be saying, “THAT WAS THE MOST ROCKING SUMMER I’VE HAD EVER BEFORE IN MY WHOLE LIFE.” even if things do not work out as i would like them to, just being able to say that my summer was spent doing something will be nice.

i really want a friend to have a jolly good time with.

today i’m craving (and probably will be all summer) going to a park and just swinging and enjoying nice outdoor weather with someone. ALL DAY LONG. with someone who can stand hot weather and sweat, and is not worn out very quickly. if i had a friend that i hung out with even semi regularly i’d demand that we go swing on a swingset and go for a walk.

i think i’m going to compile a list of qualities that i want in a friend or a boy because it is all i think about since i’m so cool.

tomorrow trail of dead is playing a show in kansas city and i’m pretty mad that i wont be attending. because i really really really want to, but i have to baby sit early the next morning. i could actually probably handle getting up early, but also i have to work until 9:30. yeah well. i have ben folds tickets.

boys who play piano really really well make me hard. even boys twice my age!

i’m sorry i am so stupid.

today i ordered ben folds tickets and that makes me superglad.

i guess summer vacation isn’t starting out too badly. the only problem is that i have too much time to think about unpleasant things and it all just feels like mental constipation.

there’s all this CRAP in my head and it will not come out. and i dont have anyone to talk to. another problem i have is that i am so afraid of letting people get close to me. because when things start becoming nice i’m convinced that the feeling is not mutual. so i am very distant with most of my friendships. and eventually the relationship just fades out. sometimes i wish people could read my mind.

but also i’m really glad that people can’t because then everyone would see that 80% of my thoughts are about making out and other sexual things. ha.

what’s funny about work, is that when i first started, my coworkers were always like, “you never talk, blah blah blah” and other crap about me being too quiet. what can i say.

but today, i was quiet at work and this kid was like, “are you having a bad night or something? you’re not talking!” it’s just funny, i think.

my dad is outside shooting off fireworks. these are huge mega fireworks too. he bought them from a guy out of the trunk of a car. (stolen merchandise? i think so).

i think i need another haircut. the one i just got recently wasn’t too much of a change. i even cut some more off myself when i got home. change is nice. everything is changing right now, why not get a new haircut? it doesn’t really matter if it looks bad because it has never really looked good anyway.

i have 22 buttons on my bag. i counted them today. they might just be the best pins i’ve ever laid my eyes on. i have a pin that is just a picture of steve buscemi.

tomorrow i have to babysit at 6:45 in the morning. and i have to everyday until friday. also, the kids are going to some bible school thing and i’ll have to take them and pick them up. i don’t know about you, but sometimes i feel bad about driving into a church parking lot with a “beam me up jesus” bumper sticker on my back window.

but also it’s really funny.

i’ve noticed that people at work have started returning my thumbs ups more often. it’s really pretty great, i think. it makes me feel special when people return my thumbs up.

but it’s also pretty great when they just give you weird looks.

has anyone else ever looked at a girl that is dressed very very trendily, and has on a ton of makeup, walking, and realized that she looks like a robot? i do that a lot. there’s this one girl that i used to see at school a lot and it just looked like she was always uncomfortable in her clothes. (this has no point. i just thought everyone need to know, everyone meaning the few people who read the incredibly scintillating details of my life).

holy crap i have no life. that’s not much of an exaggeration either.

holy crap.

i look so good in this shirt.

ha.

today i got some pictures back. they are so great. i wish my scanner was hooked up and working properly. i dont know how to do it. because i am so smart.

anyway, in my great pictures, many of them have me in them and that’s why they are so great. hey not really. i took a lot of them myself with other people, so many of them give a clear view up my nostrils, or make it look like i have a double chin. both which are very attractive qualities.

i am the opposite of photogenic but i still like taking pictures. dumb ones at least. professional pictures really suck hard.

so today i went to this little singing thing at the high school with my trendy friend. it wasn’t really any fun but i guess it was nice to be there one more time even though i never really had fun at school in the first place. the assembly is this stupid thing where kids in the singing classes get to sing popular songs of the school year, most of which are pure crap and already overplayed. for example: “youth of the nation” by p.o.d. and “in the end” by linkin park. there were also songs i had never really heard because i am so into the top 40 music scene. most of these were songs i hear at work all the time. i remember when i first started working i always had “bootylicious” in my head because it was always playing. nice.

they need me to organize one of these assembly things so i can whip out some great tunes and show them who’s boss.

what’s so great about my haircut is that no one has noticed it. i dont know about you but i think eight inches is a lot of hair to cut off.

thanks for listening, fan club.

sincerely,

tina <3

p.s. i make myself laugh a lot.

hello fanclub.

i have not done much at all, with this being out of high school business. i find myself driving around and wasting gas a lot though. i dont mind driving around by myself because i have nothing better to do.

tomorrow i am hopefully going to have a nice day. i am driving to kansas city for the first time by myself. hopefully i will not get lost. that is mostly what i am afraid of.

my parents do not know i am going to kansas city. because if i told them, they would not let me go. i think i will tell them that i am going to be out all day doing a little shopping and a lot of driving and looking around to see what there is to do. and then when i am home safely i will break the news to them (or not). it is nice being able to drive places, but it sucks when your parents don’t want you to drive outside your tiny town. because they are overprotective of their youngest child.

i dont really care much if i get into ‘trouble’. because if me driving into a bigger town is the most horrible thing my parents can think of me doing, then they are very lucky parents.

because unlike my sisters i do not sneak out of the house with boys.  although that does give me ideas. ha.

this is very uninteresting.

tonight i work for three hours. the last time i worked was last saturday–and after today the next time i work is next saturday. i guess it’s great not working much at all, but when i get my paycheck it’s going to be so uncool it hurts.

yesterday i found somewhere that sells great cd’s, and is less than an hour away. i will be making more frequent trips there throughout the summer, most likely. i think it’s funny when i drive on highways like I70, i often just stay in the fast lane because i speed so terribly. i should correct this bad habit before i get pulled over or in an accident.

i really need to go to some shows. there are no bands i really want to see coming to columbia, what kind of crap is that.

STINKY CRAP.

today i graduated high school.

to celebrate we ate a big dinner.

and now most of my family is downstairs watching pay per view wrestling. i’m really glad my ending high school means so much!!

i didn’t talk to many people at school. afterwards when i was about to leave, my trendy friend stopped to say hi, and it was nice. we hugged like good friends are supposed to or something. also my car was decorated with shoe polish, toilet paper, and balloons by my family.

project grad is 10-4. i am not going but i really wish i had something to do.

as in, it really bothers me that this night is being spent like any other.

i thought about driving aimlessly for hours and pouting. we’ll see how it goes.

today i had to go to school to practice for graduation. and i also had to turn in a paper and book.

i didn’t talk to many people. i went there, practiced, and left. i am so close to my senior class, obviously. i didn’t think this would really bother me like it does. and i can’t say that when i cried yesterday it was about missing people. it was selfish crying.

there’s a lot of senior parties going on. i’m not going to any. i’m not even going to project graduation, which is a school sponsored thing. i just dont really see much of a point to hanging out and feeling dumb and bored with a bunch of people who are not going to care whether i’m there or not. i know i’m going to regret this when i’m older and i’m going to hate myself for being so stupid. but i am on my way already, at least i can admit it.

i hate feeling like this. what’s funny is that i feel like this so often, it’s ridiculous. this year i mostly tuned it out by being very apathetic and occupied with work. the only days i’d really be bothered were those when i had absolutely nothing to do. because i spend the time wasting space and thinking too much about the same things over and over. and it’s all unrealistic. it is all fairy tale material.

i do not understand myself at all, but i like to pretend i do.

this is a really dumb entry.

but oh well. it is me i suppose.

today a girl snapped a picture of weezah boy and he said, “you just took a picture of me looking at tina’s chest.”

and that was really funny.

i have the most odd feeling in the world today.

last day of high school classes–i was really super excited for the first half of the day, but for the second half of the day i started getting kind of sad. and i cried twice during senior composition. i felt really dumb and my friend who saw me crying said, “i dont think i’ve ever seen you cry before.”

my senior comp teacher gave me a hug and said something about me always being pretty quiet, but she always knew i was there. that was really nice somehow and it is what made me cry for the second time. i am very emotional and sometimes i really really hate it because it embarrasses me. i try to hold things in a lot and sometimes it’s just insanely impossible to do.

it was like a dream. a completely unrealistic feeling. i’m never really going to hang out with these kids again, even if i’d like to. i got some contact information but most likely i wont contact these kids–i always feel like if i were to do soemthing like that, they’d think i was crazy and annoying. “why the fuck is she calling me and asking to hang out and act dumb together?”

even though i know some of the kids would not really think that. i still convince myself of it, somehow.

today i took a picture of weezah boy and me again. at first he put his arms around me and pretended he was licking my face and i was like, “what!” and started laughing. and then we took a fantastic picture, actually a not so fantastic one probably, but it does not matter! and i took other great pictures and some dumb ones.

i shook hands with nin boy and made him give me his email address so i can harrass him. i hate the way i am scared to tell people that i really think they are super great people. really it’s some kind of disability. at least it feels like it.

i am not really friends with any girls at school. at least i dont feel like i’m going to miss them as much, which is hilarious. today i was staring at the boy known in this diarything as pretty boy number two and when he looked at me i did not stop staring. that was great. for a second i was thinking, “hey we’re having a staring contest, because that was exactly what it was like. but then i suddenly got embarrassed and i gave him a thumbs up. and he returned the thumbs up as well.

it is funny how i have a semi-crush on him still even though i know i am a ‘dirtbag’ at school. and he might be one of the kids that thinks that. thinking it would be great to get to know him is something that is off and on in my head. but at the same time i like to pretend that he is one of the only kids that can halfway understand what i am about without ever having to make me explain something. that is the dumbest thing i’ve ever said. but i hope somebody understands.

i am really so excited but i’m really upset at the same time. i feel extremely stupid that i am upset because so much of my ‘peers’ are celebrating and i am doing absolutely nothing. the most i can hope for right now is contact with some of these kids who probably do not care about me as much as i think they are great.

i am silly.

today i had a meeting at work, and i gave one of the new guys a ride home. and i ran over the curb when i was pulling over to let him out. that was really great. he’s a really trendy and preppy boy and it’s just funny. there was a car in the driveway–a perfectly fine car–and he was like, “that is not our good car, we keep the good car in the garage, blah blah blah” i dont really know what he said because i dont care what kind of cars they have. it’s just really funny.

because i know i used to care about what people thought a lot–and i still do sometimes, but mostly just certain people (if i like them i dont really want them to think i am an idiot, for example). but i never would have felt the need to explain to someone i was meeting for the second time what popular people i hang out with and why the ‘good car’ is not used.

one time i wrote in some angsty prose, “life may not be very funny, but it’s pure comedy.”

or something to that sort. and holy jesus that is so true.

it’s hilarious that my sister is visiting and everyone is home right now. yet i am feeling really lonely.

of course feeling lonely is accompanied with feeling silly. that’s just the way it is.

today was a great day.

in spanish class i got to take a picture of my gang and i. we were trendy and hooked arms. weezah boy stood next to me and strategically placed his hand over his crotch for the photo. of course it’s going to be the best picture ever to be seen by human eyes.

also today i had the boy formerly known as pretty boy number two sign my shoes. i had three people all together sign them today, hoorah. he signed something really funny and that is great. also he wore a shirt just like the one i wore yesterday but in a different color. obviously we are fashionable.

also, i got my paycheck today and that always makes me happy and i’ve got a full tank of gas and i am so excited to get out of school but also sort of sad now. because there really are some people who are so great it hurts. i am so excited for summer vacation even though it’s probably not going to be that exciting for a lot of it–but i do have some great plans.

i guess it’s not really going to be sucky at all, really. ROCK AND ROLL.

i feel so incoherent the past few days–this week is going really quickly and i was expecting it to be really slow. i have TWO DAYS of school left. i dont know what to do with myself. i really really really need to get out and do something sometime soon because i just have all this energy. it’s all just excitement because this is a weird time–everything is changing and i’m debating in my head whether or not i like it. it’s all gray though–

i’m so tiiiiiiired but lately, i just refuse to sleep.

also at work the marquee outside says, “congratulations 2002 seniors” and then it has my name and another girl’s name. i took a picture of it. it’s funny.

i am so amused. at everything lately. and my mind will not stay focused on very much, especially school work. today i was trying to read in one of my classes and i think i stayed on one page for about fifteen minutes. because i was thinking about the opposite sex.

i do not act my age at all. it’s alright.

tonight at work there was this new boy training. and it was so funny.

he was watching me on the register and for some reason felt the need to be right up against me. i was about to go, “what the hell do you think you’re doing standing so close to me?” but i didn’t. it was just funny because he was trying really hard to have people like him. but he really just came off as a little annoying.

i like boys anyway. it’s so funny of me. and i mean, i dont drool over every boy it’s just that every boy right now is ten times more appealing to hang out with and talk to than any girl.

i am silly.

a couple days ago i had a piano recital. it did not go well. i messed up a lot, but i made it through. it was hard not to cry at the end because my teacher said some kind of sentimental stuff, and then mentioned that it was my final recital–and she had me go up in front of the audience and tell them where i’ll be going to school and such. yeah i made a fool of myself but i’ve become used it.

it really sucks when you want to cry in public but you dont want to. and your eyes are watering up and it’s really not going to work to try to pass it off as, “man, i’m tired.”

i cried in school a lot this year, also. it has been a stressful year and i’m so glad that there is only 3 days left of classes. a stressful three days–but oh well.

the only person coming to visit for my graduation is my sister. my grandparents in new hampshire want to come–but my grandpa can’t get off work. and my grandparents in oklahoma can’t come because my granny has been very sick lately.

it is okay.

i dont really see the whole thing as being a very big deal. honestly. all these poeople are talking about graduation gifts and i havent really given it much thought. i didn’t really expect anything. i underestimate a lot of things though, and sometimes i am way too laid back.

sometimes i am too uptight. i am a living contradiction. a living oxymoron!

what is so funny is that i feel like my life has no depth do it or anything of substance right now. it’s funny because that is the most melodramatic thing ever.

i am whiney.

i am feeling odd tonight. it’s alright.