Things right now are the biggest biggest biggest biggest biggest biggest biggest biggest biggest mess ever. Why did I get myself into this mess and why do I kind of like it and why don’t I know if I am doing things to spare feelings or because I really want to or what? He is inconsistent and I see nothing serious happening and he still is happy to pick me up and give me rides and let me eat his food when I am drunk, but the other one knows me better than anybody and the worst worst worst worst feeling in the entire world is knowing that he is unhappy and I saw him cry for the first time but I don’t really think he knows for sure that I am what he wants because jealousy makes you believe silly things sometimes. I don’t think drinking all the time solves anything but I do it anyway. I can’t believe that I am in this mess and want to spare as many feelings as possible but I know it is impossible.

this weekend:

NPR is always on in the background. I wrote I (heart) Tony Danza and (heart with arrow through it) Lionel Ritchie on the bar bathroom wall… I am being invited to new things with new people and today I worked ten hours. Mr. Goodcents owns my soul.

Today a girl told me that I was shitting her. I wasn’t.

last night: three bars and a party. and throwing popcorn into people’s mouths.

tonight: more binge drinking and self loathing.

There’s a picture of me at work on the bulletin board (along with lots of pictures of employees) dancing at the bar like an idiot and I’m wearing the ever wonderful Urkel shirt. I deserve a raise.

i GOT (caps lock) two hours of sleep last night. This sleep deprivation makes me really hyper lately. I think I kind of like it in a very sick fashion. My insides are most likely rotting.

last night was fun. $3 all you can drink and stupid-dancing and seeing EVERYONE i work with sloppy drunk and then calling a boy and eating big macs without the centers and sleeping in his bed while he stays up and does homework all night and this morning he called me “girlfriend” so i dont really know what to think about that. tonight is more drunk. i’m sorry.

Does anyone know what is so funny about trading shirts in the bathroom at the bar? It gets us every time.

and then calling people that i hardly know at home at 1am and being like “hey we are drunk can we be drunk at your house and eat your food and lay on your couch and blow bubbles until 3am”

I’m having way too much fun lately. Even if we did not engage in spin the remote again.

I really have no idea what the heck I’ve gotten myself into with this whole business of kind of “dating” already (I’m not really sure what the status is but it is definitely more than friends but I don’t want him to be my boyfriend at this point and he’s going to be 26 next month WHAT THE HECK). I am just way way way confused. However, I kind of like the way things are and I like being single (or whatever i am?).

In other news, on Thursday, I had one hour of sleep. Went to the scariest bar ever for $2 all you can drink and robot dancing on the dance floor while surrounded by grind-dancing girls. Friday night, I didn’t go out and someone tried to get into my locked apartment. I got a call at 3am to “hang out/hugparty” so really got maybe five hours of sleep. Last night I got two hours. I think I am dying.

Last night was amazing. I hung out with new friends and we went to this bar for great drink specials. We were the only ones on the dance floor and did the most amazing dances in the world. Then we headed to the Pub, and on the way there I attempted to hurdle a puddle and slipped and fell into it instead. Then it was time for a party, and then time to go to someone else’s house, and then to guy-that-i-am-unsure-about’s apartment and sleep from 7-9am and then work from 10-5. I am full of mysterious bruises and I remember having a slight stomach punching fight in a kitchen last night with three other people and also stealing a yard sign.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s day. I’m going out for drinks and more robot dancing with some hot chicks.

I got one hour of sleep last night. I’m really confusing myself by making things more complicated than they need to be. It’s really weird kissing someone new after kissing the same guy for 1.5 years. I know it is not a good idea and I don’t plan on anything becoming serious because I am “vulnerable” but it’s weird and I kind of like it? Also, nothing serious can come out of this because that would not be fair to him, exboyfriend, and me. and blah blah blah. I get myself into messes and I have been drinking entirely too much lately.

NEWSFLASH: I haven’t owned a hair brush for about two years. Also, I can live off one bottle of shampoo for a year.

Tonight I’m pretty sure I’m going drinking. I’m doing something new and it makes me good anxious and bad anxious. I have a test tomorrow, but I guess I don’t really care. I had two today and got one back yesterday. It’s test week extravaganza.

In other news: I’m still not crazy about this break up business. I feel like a zombie most of the time. We hang out and talk almost every day, but I still don’t know what to think about that. Either he is doing it because he feels bad for me, or because he really wants to. I wish the switch from bestfriend/boyfriend to just bestfriend was just as easy as the switch from just bestfriend to bestfriend/boyfriend.

It snowed like crazy again yesterday and hasn’t been above freezing for a few days, but last week it was in the 60s.
i hate snow I HATE EVERYTHING

last night was really weird. I have people who really care about me and keep me from making big mistakes. being vulnerable and talking with guys who call me beautiful (boys I’ve met 5 times but never remember my name). And then I make mistakes where no one expects them? I DIDN’T hang out with a stranger last night. My ex-boyfriend (it’s really hard to call him that) walked me home and I guess I really did want what happened, but not what happened afterwards. We just made it ten times harder and a thousand times more confusing. I absolutely hate this.

so, we broke up. it is the hardest. i am unsure if the daily visits are helping or making it worse? last night was nice, but i think it raised my hopes that it is just a “rocky” spot or something. and then tonight was alright, but weirder. and then even weirder when i cried for forty minutes while he hugged me, and then that made me cry harder. everything has just been coming together for the last year and a half and now i dont know what to make of any of it? i dont really know. I DON’T KNOW.

in other news, yesterday there was a big purple dildo in the middle of fourth street.