I have a job interview tomorrow. I haven’t gone on an interview since I started this grocery store job.

So, while I freak out over how tomorrow is going to go, I thought I’d paste some of my favorite customer service stories from my greasy fast food days (ages 17-20 in rural Missouri). These are all buried somewhere in the depths of my blog, and I’ve pasted them exactly as they were written. Those of you lucky enough to be connected to me on Facebook may have seen this before.

Here’s to hoping I get the job, and that I never forget these beautiful memories:

–

today = my first job interview ever.

interview = very casual, very nice

manager = not there

assistant manager + shift manager = who interviewed me

questions = pretty non-existant

warned me of = the boys will hit on any girls, most of the workers are boys, old people will yell if their food is not right, must purchase special shoes, working = greasy.

monday = interview with actual manager

assistant manager = no teeth

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this woman comes in with her grandchildren and she is SO LOUD. HOLY CRAP. she was annoying too because she wouldn’t let me finish saying anything, so i didn’t really know what the hell she was trying to order. she’d ask her grand kids what they wanted, but instead of really turning around to ask them, she’d turn her head slightly and YELL. at one point one of the kids was looking on the buffet and said something about cabbage and she was like, “no you’re not having cabbage you’ll get diarrhea!”

—

people are so messy. speaking of messy, the women’s bathroom is just disgusting. i have to clean the toilets everytime i am scheduled to work lobby, and there’s almost always dried vomit under the seat. last week i had to clean some really gross vomit (worse than usual) and then the other night there was poop all over the back of the seat. and tonight someone managed to get poop on the garbage can. WHO ARE THESE WOMEN AND THEY ARE THEY SO GROSS?

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man, one time this lady tried to order “chicken back” and i tried to explain to her that she would have to order either a thigh, leg, breast, or wing. and she got really mad at me because she didn’t know what i was saying. she just wanted some chicken back, dammit.

—

tonight’s quote:

“I SAID I WOULD WAIT FOR THE BISCUIT!!!! DAMN!!!” –annoyed lady in kfc drive thru.

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but the best story of the night is this man. he was an obvious farming/hunting loving man. he orders the buffet and sits and eats it for like two hours in the store. it’s not that he ate a ton, it’s just that he kept talking to everyone. i was out in the lobby cleaning tables and he said to me, “you know my wife is a veterinarian at Tyson’s and says that kfc is really picky about the chicken they use. the uniformity, the temperature, you know it’s really good to know that.” i said, “yeah?” and “oh?” but i was wondering since when did tyson’s have veterinarians working there.

—

today at work this asian lady came in carrying a bunch of wind chimes.

i was the first one to the counter and she just started talking to me. i think she said something about being a missionary. i don’t know, i had a really hard time understanding her.

and then she took one of the wind chimes off the little hook she was carrying them on and held it out to me. i wasn’t sure what to do–i thought “is she just giving this to the store or what?” and she just stood there holding the wind chime in the air.

but then i realized that she said something like, “fifteen dollah” (maybe) so i said, “oh you’re selling these?”

it was really confusing. and i was like, “oh i don’t have money.” and so she was like, “oh anyone else?” (maybe) so i said, “let..me..go..ask..them…..”

so i pretended to go ask them and we were all kind of laughing because they left me up there by myself and none of us knew what she was saying.

—

i asked the shift supervisor if we could put a sign on the doors and drive thru speaker telling about our situation, but he said no. so then i asked if we could put a sign saying, “GO AWAY” and again he said no.

—

yesterday at work i asked this guy if he wanted an extra chicken strip instead of a biscuit because we temporarily ran out and he was like, “sure, or your phone number.”

—

yeah, so there’s a picture of me in my local kfc’s lobby on a thing that says, “champion of the month” and it’s decorated a lot. and yes. in the picture i’m giving a thumbs up and a cheesy smile. because obviously i’m the most enthusiastic kfc employee to ever walk on the surface of planet earth.

—

today while i was on break at work, i was sitting at a table next to a booth where an old lady (probably around 80-85 years old) was sitting with another lady, probably her daughter. and i overheard this conversation:

old lady: is this a pizza hut?
younger lady: no. kentucky fried chicken.
old lady: oh that’s right!

—

making animal noises out the drive thru speaker at work will ever get old.

—

today i was leaving for my second work shift, and had just put on a new uniform that i got out of the dryer. i was walking down my front porch steps and i noticed something sticking out of my pant leg. i thought it was fabric softener or something, since that happens sometimes, but it wasn’t. IT WAS MY MOM’S UNDERWEAR.

so i brought it back inside to show her, and we laughed about it. and then i left.

a few hours later at work i was messing around with my shirt and realized that something was inside of it. so i went to the bathroom and found another pair of my mom’s underwear in my shirt! i didn’t know what to do with them, because i didn’t want to carry them around with me all night to take home. so i threw them away.

—

the other day at work i was handing out this old guy’s order and he said, “you’re a very pretty young lady. if i were about 50 years younger i’d be chasing you all around.” i wasn’t sure what to think about that, so i just started doing pelvic thrusts against the drive thru window.

—

yesterday an old lady ordered her meal at the front counter and then asked me if she had to go pick it up at the drive thru window. i should have said yes.

—

today at work this big lady in drive thru stuck the change i gave her into her bra. it was classic and beautiful.

when she drove away i felt a terrible hole in my heart.

—

today this man was pissed at me because we had an eight minute wait on some biscuits, and he didn’t want anything in place of them. so he cancelled the entire order and drove away, after complaining about how this always happens to him, how overweight he is, how women don’t appreciate men with combovers, how embarrassing it is to live with his flaming case of genital herpes, and how he doesn’t really like our biscuits anyway.

—

at work today i got a drive thru order, and it sounded like a man but at the window when i collected the money i had no idea whether it was a man or woman.

that happens every once in awhile, but i can usually figure it out. this time though, i couldn’t.

i thought it was pretty funny so i told my manager about it and he said, “were they in a green car? and wearing a correctional officer uniform?”

i said yes and he replied, “yeah, she’s yelled at me like three times for calling her ’sir.’”

—

yesterday at work this guy was reading a coupon that said the word “colonel” on them, but he read it like the word, “colonial”.

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today at work we ran out of soap, so i had to go to family dollar and buy eight bottles of antibacterial soap. and when i went to stand in line this guy who looked a couple years younger than me just kept looking at me and half laughing. so i said, “what?” and he just shook his head and half laughed again.

it is not that unusual to see someone in a kfc uniform buy eight bottles of soap, is it? i thought about staring and laughing at him, but he was buying a strawberry shaped car air freshener, so i knew he was a macho manly man’s man and didn’t want to mess with him.

—

tonight at work this lady apparently ordered a family meal with “no wings” in it. and whoever packed it gave her wings.

so she came back and just drove up to the window, so no one knew she was there. we were also really busy with front line orders we so didn’t notice her right away. anyway, she got out of her car and opened the drive thru window herself and set two buckets of chicken up there and yelled, “I WANT TO TALK TO ONE OF YOU!” and since i was manager tonight i went ahead and talked to her and before i said anything to her she yelled, “WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT NO WINGS!?!?!!”

and then she explained that she ordered a meal with no wings but was given about 15% wings. (she did the math, i guess).

—

at work today this old couple walked in and the man said, “are there any democrats here?”

and then when he was getting change out of his pockets, he emptied the contents onto the counter and a mint lifesaver was among the items. he referred to that and said, “i forgot to take my viagra this morning!”

—

at work today this woman called in an order and kept telling me that she needs “two fried chickens! two chickens!” i wasn’t really sure what she meant because we don’t really sell it by…the chicken.

–

man, and this guy came in and before he ordered, he told me that they just buried his cousin today. and when she was living, he would always get kfc for her and bring it to her so he wanted to get chicken today too. she was sick with cancer and could hardly eat anything but she sure could tear up a thigh from kfc! (his words) then he demonstrated some kind of gobbling (tearing up) noise and motion. he also felt the need to tell this to me and then he made sure the cook also heard.

—

the best thing that happens at work i think, is when people complain about prices. this lady paid $8.09 for two meals today, and i rang them up the cheapest way possible. we even gave her extra stuff that i didn’t charge her for.

anyway, she complained, telling me that last time she ordered a meal for one person and it cost $4. i’m not sure why it didn’t make sense to her that two meals cost $8 then.

—

tonight at work this old man came through the drive thru in a neck brace. and it was awesome because he had to turn his whole body to see to the side and he was driving.

—

the other night at work this drunk man came through the drive thru and was just talking and being really weird. he saw one of my other co-workers and just yelled, “HEY!! ARE YOU IN THE PITS?!” and he just kept trying to talk to me, and eventually i just let the window slide closed.

when i handed him his change, he said he was going to sit there and have his feelings hurt.

and then, when i went to get his stuff my co-workers and i were talking about how we thought one of us knew him because of how he was acting. and then when i handed out his food he was like, “to answer all three of your questions, no, i dont know any of you. i’m just a happy go lucky motherfucker.”

and then he said, “sorry to bother you all.”

i love middle aged emotional drunk men.

—

tonight at work, this lady wasn’t happy or something and took her box of biscuits, and said to one of my co-workers, “i’m going to show you what i’m going to do to your biscuits,” and then proceeded to shred them. then she closed the box and handed it back. that was awesome.

—

today at work i was in the back getting some things ready when this woman stood at the counter and yelled, “hello!!!??”

i felt kind of bad because i didn’t see her, so i apologized and she was like, “i just have one question to ask you”

so she asks:

“what kind of perfume do you like to wear?”

i just gave her a puzzled look and she started to name some popular brands off, so i said, “i just buy the cheap stuff.”

so she started talking about how she has bigger bottles for cheaper than you can get at stores of some of the brands she named off and she could bring samples for me to look through if i wanted. i told her i was a little busy for that, and she asked if anyone else would want to look through it. i told her we all had stuff to do.

—

this man came into the gas station and went straight to the bathroom, but instead of going in like most people he just stood there and asked me if i had two half pints of congress vodka. i said yes. he asked me to go ahead and ring them in, and told me to get his money from him standing in the bathroom doorway. i gave him a confused look and he was like, “my wife’s in the car and i don’t want her to see me.” so i rang in the vodka and gave it to him as he handed me a $5 bill, and also said, “i want a pack of gum too, big red if you have it.”

“a small pack?” i asked?

he said yes, so i went to go get it because he was not moving from the bathroom doorway. i took it to the register and started ringing it in when he said, “you can bring that over here too.” i thought he was going to go to the bathroom and just pick it up on his way out, but apparently not. i got to keep his change, while he chugged vodka in the bathroom and covered up the smell with big red gum.

he put the bottles in his pants and then went back out to his car.

—

last week this hispanic guy with semi-broken english came into the store and bought a 22oz budweiser. he asked me my name, so i told him. then he went into, “are you married?”

“no,” i replied.

“got boyfriend?” he asked.

“yes,” i said, with no interest.

“can you give me your phone number?”

“no.”

“why not?”

“because i don’t want to.”

—

a woman came into kfc yesterday and ordered a meal, and i tried with all my might to keep my eyes away from her withered cleavage. when i handed her her meal, i was anxious for her to turn around and leave, but apparently i was being too nice to her so she had to tell me some important news:

she lifted her hand out towards me and said, “see my new ring from ireland?”

“cooool” i said, automatically, with no interest. something you’d say to a child who won’t shut up.

“i got a package from europe today! full of all sorts of stuff! emeralds and celtic music! it made my day!”

“i bet!”

—

A man came in this morning and asked, “Can we bring pets in here?” I told him I didn’t think so, so he continued, “Well, if it can’t be seen then would it be okay?” and I was a little creeped out so I just agreed that I guessed it would be alright. Then I didn’t say anything because I had no interest. He continued, “Well don’t you want to know what kind of pet I have?” I didn’t, but said sure anyway. He had a baby skunk in the front pocket of his t-shirt.

—

my favorite quick run customer:

is a tan man estimated to be in his late thirties or early forties. He is fit, probably from some outdoor physical work such as construction. Usually when he comes into the store he is shirtless. His shoulder length dirty blonde hair, thinning on top, always appears to be wet, so it’s composed of several spiral curl strands. Today he wore my favorite outfit.

From the feet to the top:

Brown dirty lace up work boots, ankle high. White socks bunched up stick out the top. Cut off jeans, rolled up to hide the fringes–so short that the front pockets stick out at the bottom. In his left back pocket is a red bandana. Shirt is a faded orange Harley Davidson brand thing, with the sleeves cut off–and better yet–the middle is cut so that it’s a half shirt. Hair’s the usual, and red sunglasses rest at the top of his forehead.